Log in

Feb. 8th, 2005 @ 09:21 pm Journal is closed
Well, this is my final entry. I am sorry but this journal has got to go. Nothing but bad memories are here. I can't keep this open. I have been told to move on so I must do everything in my power to make sure I don't have anymore heartbreak or sorrow. So thanks for reading and all the best to my livejournal friends. I hope life treats you better then it did me.
About this Entry
Feb. 8th, 2005 @ 12:16 am My extremely long reply to Mike's comment
When ever you give me advice its always on how badly I make decisions you know what I know I make bad decisions all the time. I know that but for once Mike I want you to just say Scott, go for it, and try it and I will hope the best. I thought about this, if everyone tells you your going to be a mailman when you grow up and if everyone you come in contact with tells you that. It’s almost pretty damn certain that your going to be a mailman.

Mike no one ever blamed you for causing these bad things to happen. I never said that shit so don’t try to get pissed off at me about that. I am serious. I don’t want to have you get mad at me over a comment that wasn’t geared towards you. I am not blaming you for what happened with California, with Jen, with anything. I am not.

Mike the difference between your relationship and my relationship is that mine lasted longer. Sure it had arguments but at least when I had arguments one of the two of us didn’t just throw up our hands and go fuck it, I want out like Dave does. Dave toyed with your emotions all the time, and at the end of the day you never knew what the outcome would be. He says he is sorry but then just abandons you again. I mean with Jen and I we didn’t have a healthy relationship when it came to arguing or fighting but 9 out of 10 times the next day we would get up and apologize and still be together. You know how you don’t understand my relationship with Jen and how I could tolerate her, well I didn’t get your either. Every time I talked with you about Dave it was either Excellent or Over. There wasn’t much in between. Dave really did play with you and it was very fucked up. You may love him again for some reason I don’t see but still I love Jen still for the person who cared about me even when we ended the night with I hate you and the next day everything was good. She didn’t walk out of my life, I probably could have still had her when I went back but no bigheaded Scott always thinking I can do better. Everyone says that but how do you know for sure? I feel I am missing out on someone now. Someone who I shared a lot of memorable times with and no one who I can share them with again, someone who at the end of the day always really loved me and when I woke up the next day would be there. Can I not want this back, you see the innocence I am looking for is in Jen, it always has been I was just too stupid to see it.

I am not being selfish, I am thinking things out. Thinking how I really fucked things up now and then and how we didn’t handle things properly. You state the money issue in California, well yes, we would have had an issue with that but if we moved someone else would it have worked out. Lets take this for an example lets say I started Rowan in Fall, I got $10,000 back from financial aid. I give Jen $5,000 of that to pay off the bills from the money I owe her, I then take the other $5,000 from that money and put it towards an apartment. In Cherry Hill, I can get an apartment for $795, if I take $450 from financial aid money each month and put it towards the rent that leaves $345 to come up with. If I pay off all the rest of almost all of Jen’s bills before moving in your telling me that we couldn’t afford to pay $172.50 each towards the rent plus our car payments. Sure we could. I am paying like $300 a month now, plus my car payment of $275 and I doing that just fine. You cut the rent in half that will be fine. See everyone jumps the gun with me. I can’t be thinking things through because I haven’t in the past. I wasn’t going to start up a long-distance relationship again well maybe for a few months but then I was going to figure something out where we could live together. Like if the relationship was a go again, I would save up some money when I got back east so I can send her back home for a couple of days so she could see her Niece Ella and her friends back in Georgia. I wasn’t being selfish. I was thinking about everything on a whole for once which I know is a shock but I have learned from my mistakes.

I know expect too much from people, which is why I have given up on people. I fall for people yes but could it go serious that is the question? My thing with Jen is what I want some one who is pure and I know you say that doesn’t exist in the world. It does but its hard to find. Why I am going to keep trying to find someone who I can relate to or who follows the set path I want when I can have the person I used to be with who I just took for granted because I was thinking with my little head rather then my big one. I mean seriously, cut me some fucking slack. I know I need attention but with Jen I got that and why can’t you see that’s what I needed. Have you ever seen the pictures of us together? I have never seen myself so damn happy. I am serious no one else has ever made me feel that way. It’s probably like the feeling you get when you’re having a good time with Dave. I am not going to cave into societies demand for people. I have beliefs and if they are outdated then so forth but I am not going to change something I believe in, in order to be happy because that doesn’t work, I tried it already and it failed. I tried the changing the clothes thing, I tried the drinking thing, and it doesn’t work. You have to stay true to yourself and I am sorry but this is who I am. Just because so many people can’t wait for sex doesn’t mean that every single person is like that. Jen wasn’t like that. Why am I going to just be in a relationship again with someone I don’t know? Its going to take forever for me to have sex with that person because I will take a very long time to know and trust them plus who says anyone will work out. With Jen I know it will work out, I have someone who is pure and together we can share that special moment of sex because it will be both our first time and it will mean something when it happens not this game of sex everyone just throws around now. SEX TO ME: TO ME IS SOMETHING THAT YOU SHARE WITH YOUR TRUE LOVE and at this moment I feel that person is Jen.

You keep saying I don’t try to meet new people; each new person I meet makes me want to be with Jen even more. I meet people every day just because I don’t write about it doesn’t mean I don’t. I just don’t see that one person who I connect with on every level like I do with Jen. I am sorry, you say Jen isn’t the right person but how do you know that. Maybe there is someone else but what I should just keep waiting till I find this person and it may never happen. I rather just have someone I care for and LOVE. Someone up till the last couple of days, I never felt this way about, someone who I realize I took for granted all these years. Mike you may say I am crazy and granted I never denied that but when someone upsets you when they move on and you say you want to die if they aren’t in your life that’s serious. That means that person really affected you in one way or another. It means something to me.

I am looking for more then friendship with Jen. Mike, I am very satisfied with you as a friend maybe I haven’t told you but I am. When I get back if I have you and Mr. Hodock that’s all I need in terms of friends. However it’s not what I need in terms of love. Let me ask you something seriously, says I want to go to a Mandy Moore Concert. You could most likely go with me right? But what I am saying is are you going to enjoy it? Probably not! Will it be a memorable experience? Probably not because I will get the feeling oh I dragged Mike along to something he has no interest in. If Jen went with me, we would be singing and having a good time, when I look back on our relationship now we didn’t take nearly as many pictures as we should have. There were so many good times I remember now and no photos to document it. It’s a nice way to remember good times photos because your brain loves to remember the bad times and never the good. But see Mike, its someone that I share my interests with and who enjoys it. Its like the old saying if it ain’t broke don’t fix it. I mean seriously why would I throw away someone who is also just like me when even you admit that finding someone who I approve of may never happen so why don’t I just stay with someone I know everything about and whom I love?

Mike, when you and Jen start agreeing it becomes a sad day for me. When I woke up this morning and read her email. I almost burst into tears but no I couldn’t my eyes and head wouldn’t let me believe what I read. I just had an overwhelming urge to die. And I know I say that a lot but no I am not kidding. I looked at the Advil on the desk and thought shit I could take the entire jar of these and by the end of the day, I would be dead but no I didn’t do that. I took a shower and drove to school but the thought of it wouldn’t leave my head. I called Jen up who surprisingly picked up the phone and I started to express myself to her. I then started crying. Extremely hard I might add. Probably the hardest I have cried in a long, long time. My sadness then turned to anger about 10 minutes after crying. When I hear two people who I know hate each other actually admit that the other person is right it hurts me. Sure. Move on, you say? But what if I can’t? You know some people get stuck at a particular point in their life and can’t move further. I made Jen a few things for Valentine’s Day after feeling so high and mighty on Saturday. I put my heart into them. I am going to mail them to her tomorrow or Wednesday and she can’t open them till the 14th. On the 14th, if she opens them and feels the same way she does today then I agree its over. All memories of her will have to be forgotten and everything about her has to be gone. All photos, all memories, even Whiskers because like she said it’s our cat and if we aren’t a team then I cant keep it because I love the cat so much because it reminds me of Jen. If the gift doesn’t work, I don’t know what I will do. I am already planning on requesting the 14th off from work just in case it doesn’t because some real emotions will be shown and the future outcome of everything is waiting till that day. Once it happens, I don’t know right now which direction it will go to but some really serious things may happen if it doesn’t go the way I want. I may just totally disappear which isn’t that hard since I can change my number, close the live journal, delete my AOL account, and move in June. So I haven’t decided what I was going to do yet but something really drastic will have to happen.
About this Entry
Feb. 7th, 2005 @ 09:43 am I'm just going to crawl into a little hole now and die!
Good Morning!

Sorry I haven't wrote you back, I've had a busy weekend. Just because I said that I love you doesn't mean that I want to get back together. I love you and will always love you that is something that will never change. I also did not feel the need to comment on your journal entry as Mike pretty much expressed how I felt and why it would not work in his comment. The old Jen no longer exists. She is somewhere in California and never made it home with me. I am changing because I want to, not because someone wants me to or is telling me to. When you get out of a relationship there are things that will need to change and I have done those things. Plus you cannot say that you are able to control your anger and violence when there is nobody around to make you angry or violent! You need to stop dwelling on the past. I wouldn't get back into a relationship with you to be honest. You only want to get back with me because you are comfortable around me.

This is really hard to tell you but you will have to find out sooner or later but I have been talking to this guy that I met on eharmony and we went out on Saturday and had a great time. He asked if I would be his girlfriend and I said yes. He is a really great guy and we are really happy. I saw him last night as well. We watched superbowl together.

I'm really happy right now with my life .

I have to go take a shower and get ready for work. I'm sorry if this hurts you.

About this Entry
Feb. 5th, 2005 @ 01:42 am Warning cursing, lots of grammar errors, and a pretty long entry is below
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: We are the Champions - Queen
Well, tonight is Friday night, The first Friday Night I had to work in about two months now. Tonight, at work it wasn't that bad, wasn't great but wasn't bad. I did however have the thought of Jen crossing my mind several times tonight, however. It was weird because it came out of no where but I will get into that later.

So my first week of work and school has ended. The outcome? I like all my classes at school this semester except for the Religion course for two reasons one, I hate religion and two, the class is at 7am and I leave here around 5:30am and still barely make it to class in time because there is bumper to bumper traffic. Anyway, other than that school is cool, I feel I will actually have to apply myself this semester. Philosophy and Religion are going to require a lot of reading and thinking. In terms of my job, I am not fond of it but I could deal with it. The people I work with are as phony as a fake hundred dollar bill but its tolerable I guess. I went to best buy yesterday but of course when I got there they were all at lunch. So I have to go down there I guess on Monday again and see if I can pester the shit out of them for an interview. If worst comes to worst I guess I can stay at Bed, Bath, and Beyond until I go back east in June, July or August since no set month is set yet. The job is so boring. It's like the complete opposite of Blockbuster. You go in and there's nothing to do. You just do busy work. In Blockbuster, I went in everyday with tons of shit to do and the time went by so damn fast because of it. Sure I hated the job because of the stress level and the workload but compared to sitting around for hours with my thumb up my ass, I would prefer to have work to actually do that NEEDS to be done. That's all I am really going to say about that.

So I get my first paycheck on Friday, which wont be much. Do you think I get any of that? Nope, it's time for me to get my shit in order. I have to pay bills first so I have Aaron's to pay which is $103, then $51.17 for the post office for a bounced check, make a payment to my credit card of at least $50 which will probably leave about $80 left of my check for food, gas, and movies for the next two weeks. My other paycheck which I will get on the 25th which will be close to $600, $275 has to go to my car payment, another $65 for Aaron's, $100 has to go towards my rent, and the rest will go towards food, gas, movies and maybe just maybe I can try to save up about $50 bucks each paycheck and start putting away for coming back east but I can't swear on that since problems always arise.

So next week is another week which I am pretty booked solid. I work Sunday 12pm to 8:30pm, Monday 12:30pm to 9:00pm, Wednesday 2:00pm to 10:30pm, & Friday 12:30pm to 9:00pm. I work 32 Hours each week which seems like the pretty set schedule of hours for me. It's a decent paycheck so that's the positive outlook I have about the job. I feel people in that store are very unhappy though. The girl who I work with her name is Brenda and she was talking about quitting soon, the other lady Gloria said she was quitting soon as well, and some other girl I just met today said the same thing. Bed, Bath, and Beyond seems like blockbuster without the workload, very unhappy employees.

So moving on, So while I was at work tonight since I have really nothing work related to think about I started to think about Jen tonight. I don't know where it came from but I just remember how good I felt on Wednesday when she emailed me and then when we talked on the phone she almost started to cry. It really got me that day. It actually stood with me but I been so busy I didn't have time to think about until today when I was just sitting on the floor at work pricing candles. I couldn't help but wonder how she was doing, was she seeing anyone, has she seen anyone other then for a nice dinner or date, has she done anything with anyone else (sexual related ), and most importantly I was thinking what made our relationship not work. So I began to analyze it.

So as I sat there on the floor at Bed, Bath and Beyond, I just dazed off and thought about this. I think it was hard for us to be around each other so much because we weren't used to it which again adds to why the move to California went so bad. We had a problem with being together to much. Maybe I had a problem with it. But anyway that and the struggle with money might have made the outcome so bad. If the whole thing happened in NJ where the costs were down, I doubt it would have turned out as bad as it did. But I do have to admit I miss Jen. There's something wrong with me that I can't move on from this point in time in my life. I just can't help but think that we should be together. You see thinking back on things I miss a lot of things and can see what happened here. OK, let me start by saying Jen always watched TV and I was always on the Internet, OK, that wasn't good and I remember we fought a lot about these things. But I miss being forced to watch TV with her. I mean she made me watch some really bad shows like the Apprentice but it was fun and I had a good time watching it with her even though I made it seem like it was a chore. I just think we both should have tried to make time for each other more and talk about things. Like one night Scott sit down and watch the apprentice with me, and the next night Jen sit down and watch say Arrested Development with me. I think we should have alternated better with both the computer and TV. We should have shared our TV time together and the PC time even yes I do admit now I was on the Internet way to much and I do apologize for that.

But I really miss Jen because of the person she was when she was around me. I miss not having my other half basically. I just don't like many people in this world who I would want more than just a friend because I have high standards and things which seem so normal to so many are not what I think are normal or should happen and Jen was one of the few people who actually stood by that with me. Thinking back both Jen and I shared the problems by each creating half of them. I know I should have budgeted better and made more of an effort to spend time with her. I should have gotten my ass off that damn computer and spent time with her. Its my fault to some degree and I am realizing that now. I also need to learn how curve my anger but I think I am getting better at that now. I haven't felt any violent urges lately to throw things or hit. I think I am growing as a person now and realizing that I made my share of mistakes and if I could correct them I would.

I also think I wanted to much from life before and you can't get everything you want seriously. I mean, Dana what the hell was I thinking? I really don't know but I can't really imagine how bad I made Jen feel at that point. I mean shit, I broke up with her to try to be in a relationship with a drunk alcoholic slut. I mean I don't know what the hell came over me but thinking back on it, it was such a horrible thing to do but I just wish she could forgive me for it. I can't help but think that I might have had the person I loved with me for the past 6 and a half years but just couldn't realize it thinking I could date or be with people who had no interest in me besides being friends. I always used to think like oh I can date someone like Britney Spears but I needed to get a reality check, it's not going to happen, even if I could date someone like that which would be highly unlikely but I probably wouldn't be able to tolerate her after a few days. I mean my idiotic idea to move in with Heather proves the point so well and we aren't even dating or anything. I mean I get very stupid sometimes, I don't think before I act. Jen and I have had a lot of bad times but then we got over them that's what the good thing was about it. We just needed to talk more and express ourselves instead of getting mad at each other and throwing things at each other. We should have just sat down and talked things through and tried to get through them together. I really do miss Jen more than she probably knows because looking back I can't help to think about all the good things we shared together.

What I liked most about when Jen and I were together was that we were ourselves. I liked that the most, we just dressed nice when we had to go somewhere special or when she had to go to work but other than that we just wore what ever we felt like. We didn't do much in terms for fun but the dinner and the movie was the normal thing and we liked it. Trips to Disneyland were also quite enjoyable. We didn't care what other people thought, we didn't worry about having makeup, piercing, and that junk. I miss that stuff now, talking to Jen in Georgia since she got back has been kind of weird for me because one she doesn't seem to care about me at all, of course this is up till the last email I got from her and two she seems to have changed so much. I mean I understand the dieting thing because hey everyone has jumped on that bandwagon except for me of course but I can understand that. But her attitude outside this week towards me has changed, the way she talks has changed, I don't know what the people down there are doing for her but they seem to be completely removing all the Scott out of her. It was hard to say but things she said just seemed to bother me.

However, I really want to get back together with Jen. I however want the regular Jen not the new Jen. I would like to give this another go when I get back east. I think a part of the reason we both failed out here is the reason that we both had such negative vibes before moving out here. Jen's mother and father were clearly opposed to the idea, my mom was too even though after a while she didn't admit it, Mike was as well. I am sorry but if you have a lot of people around you saying your going to fail most of the time, you will fail. It's better to just not talk about something and just do it, take the risk. I don't know what the outcome will be this time around if it happens. I really don't want anyone's advice on it because I already know what the advice is going to be given but I don't want to hear it, I can just place the blame on myself if it doesn't work out and I think that's what I need to do. Of course if this occurs, Jen and I will have to sit down and talk about somethings first like how we can fix the previous problems. Like I said, I am learning to control and express my anger in a nonviolent manner, I am learning when to spend and when not to spend, I am learning and growing more and more each day. We also have to discuss a solution to the huge hatred she has caused about me in Georgia. I don't know how I am going to fix that but as I said when I get back east I am going to work on getting her quite a large sum of the money I owe her from the financial aid so I can get the burden off my chest and she won't have the extra bills to pay. However, like I said, if this relationship does form again then I think she's going to have to say something to all these people about me, I mean everyone in her life already didn't like me normally and since Jen butchered my name even more when she returned, everyone hates me now with a passion. Telling one side of the story isn't the best way to tell a story because someone always looks like the complete asshole or bad guy (me) and the other person looks all innocent (jen) which isn't the case. I cant be around people who can't stand me because that just doesn't feel right and is awkward. I really wish you could just use a memory eraser stick like in Men in Black and wipe everyone's mind clean up to a certain point in time. I also wish I had a time machine to go back and fix all the foolish mistakes I made but its not going to happen but I have to overcome this issue. It's a lot of shit that went through my head while I was at Bed, Bath and Beyond tonight and I even tried to call Jen but of course she didn't answer. So I sent her a text message which I wonder if she got because I never got a response. It's a hard thing to deal with but it's something that I want to deal with and I want to talk about. I needed to express myself tonight and I am glad I did with this entry.
About this Entry
Feb. 2nd, 2005 @ 06:47 pm Boy, am I tired
Well, as all of you who read my journal (all 3 maybe 4 of you I must add) know I started school and my new job at Bed, Bath, and Beyond this week. So let me start by giving a little recap of what happened so far this week and how it went.

On Monday, I woke up at 9:20, took a shower, and headed down to Chapman. Got there in an hour which is double the time it normally takes to get there. It was OK because I just made it to class on time. On Monday, I had Issues of Mass Media which will be one of three, yes you heard that right three classes that will actually make me think this semester. Of course to make my day better Professor Levy is the teacher for this class. He is awesome. I had him for two classes last term and he is awesome. So had a decent time in that class and afterwards talked to Mr. Levy about how the break went and so forth. After class I had to drive down to Irvine to get to Bed, Bath and Beyond. The job sucks. So incredibly boring and I work in candles and the smell gave me a massive headache. I mean massive, one in which I had to take 4 advil afterwards to get rid of. So I talked to my Mom about it and she told me that she is allergic to fumes of candles. So I think that might be the issue and its not like it was one candle I was smelling, I was smelling a whole crap load of them. So tomorrow when I have to work again from 2pm to 10:30pm, not looking forward to that at all by the way, I have to see if I get a headache again. If so then they will have to move me from that section. Which I hate to make them do but I am not going to have massive headaches every time I work. As for everything else at the job, there isn't much to do at the store since it's pretty well taken care of because they have so many people working there. Also people seem to be OK, none of which I would say hey lets go hang out after work but they seem OK. Some better then others of course. My problem is for 8 hours, I had really nothing to do. My department manager Dina gave me a project. Finished it within 20 minutes afterwards. Just stood around for an hour. Then took candles off the shelve and re-priced them and put them in order by flavor. I mean wow boring stuff which technically didn't need to be done. Its like Busy work because there's nothing to really do. Aw so boring. I was used to having a job where I would go in and be bombarded with stuff I needed to do. Now, its like woah there's nothing that really needs to get done. It's lame and the products in the store don't even interest me which makes it even worse. So I hope tomorrow (Thursday) will be better and maybe I can get moved around. Also talked to Amanda for a bit that day and she was like oh they wouldn't have allowed you to work in my department, I had to fight to get John. So I understood but it angered me a bit because she couldn't fight to get me too that seemed kind of lame but anyway moving on. After that I drove up to Covina which only took 35 minutes and then went to Target to get the advil and some more of these Rainbow Chip Deluxe Cookies which I am now addicted to. I came home and watched an episode of Arrested Development Season 2 which I downloaded after that I went to bed.

The next morning, which is Tuesday morning, I woke up at get this 5:20am, took a shower and left the apartment at 5:45am. I didn't get to school until 7:15am which I was then 15 minutes late to class. My first class was religion which I have no interest in. The 7am class was overfilled and there was people actually sitting on the floor for the class very weird to see at 7am. I know why though because this is the best religion teacher Chapman has to offer and he only teaches 2 classes one at 7:00am and the other at 8:30am. Religion is not my bag but I will probably be thinking a lot in the class. The teacher seems pretty good however the topic to me is boring but I will deal because I have to take the class at both here or at Rowan. So then after that class, I have Sociology which seems very interesting. The teacher is off the wall at 8:30am which is scary because she's so happy that early. But class seems pretty easy and laid back and it's a nice class to have after the religion class. After that I have Public Speaking, which I took in Berkeley but I figure I could use another class in this area so I am taking it and that is from 10:00am till 11:15am. The professor wasn't in the class today but apparently this tag team of professors that teach this course are some of the best professors at Chapman. I doubt they can be better than Levy but I will see that tomorrow. Class is HUGE for a public speaking class about 150 students so I doubt there will be more than one or two speeches each. After that I have a break from 11:15am till 4:00pm even though I am going to try to add a Internet class at 11:30 till 12:45 but since its not for sure yet I can't say I will take it. So I went to the Bank of America to cash some $40 mystery money order I got but before I went to the bank some prick started to follow me in his car. You see I was at a light in the turning lane and it said I could make a U-turn so when the light turned green, I made my U-turn then some guy pulled up along side me and start pointing at me and said I want to talk to you. I was like WHAT? So I pulled into the bank and this joker pulled into the parking lot right next to the bank. I went to park and when I looked across this guy was looking at me point at me. I said to myself what's wrong with this person. It was creepy. So I pulled out of the bank parking lot without going into the bank because I was afraid of this guy. So I go to pull out and he follows me again. Gets behind me and follows me as I keep changing lanes. So I got over to the right lane and then did a three lane Menzel in order to lose him which I did but It was scary because he was following me for a good 2 miles. So after that I went back to the bank, got my $40 bucks and went to see Sideways again at 1:15pm. The movie got out at 3:30 and I drove back to Chapman. I went to my Philosophy class from 4:00pm to 6:50pm. Good class, very interesting, good teacher. Very thought provoking which is draining especially having 3 maybe 4 classes already. When I got out of the class, I was beat, so damn tired but I still had Entertainment arts forum. I got a bacon cheeseburger and fries from the on campus place to eat and brought it to class. After I ate in the class, I started to fall asleep, so I left class and decided that there's no way in hell I could survive another class after Philosophy. So I drove home and got back in 25 minutes. I came in and was surprised Henry wasn't there funny thing was she was just leaving to pick him up. So I came in, went online, checked my email, checked to see what downloaded, got a glass of milk and cookies and watched 2 episodes of Arrested Development Season 2. Damn them its the best damn show and its going to be canceled in 2 weeks. So after that Heather called me in to talk to her about jobs or some shit and then I went to bed.

Today, I awoke around 9:35am because the shady cable guy called my cell phone. I got dressed and left at 9:45am. I met up with the cable guy and gave him $60 of the $100 I owed him. I then went to get gas for my car and then headed down to class. I actually got to Chapman in 25 Minutes and I ate lunch at the Chapman cafeteria before class started. Class was pretty good today. Smarter people are in this mass media class. So after class, I talked to Levy again as I always do after class. We started talking about Desperate Housewives because both him and I said last semester that the show would be huge and we both turned out to be right even though neither of us like the show and think its a piece of SHIT. But it was fun just talking about it. Well, after that I went over to the bookstore and got my books for Philosophy. I then came home laid down for a bit. Then I went to Walmart to get a pair of pants, Ray, and some other little things I needed at Walmart. When I came back, I came online to check my email and got a nice email from Jen. About 30 minutes later Jen called me and we talked for about 15 minutes. Afterwards, I just sat in the house for a bit and then went out to Burger King to get dinner. When I got back I watched another 2 episodes of Arrested Development season 2 and am now listening to bozo bush speak.

Tomorrow, Will be a really long day. I have to get up at 5am and take a shower and then head down to Chapman. I will be at school from 7am till 12:45pm and then go to work from 2pm till 10:30pm. I plan on going to Best Buy again tomorrow and pestering them to see if I can pursue them to hire me. After that I will go to work and hopefully tomorrow will be better than Monday. Like I said earlier if the smell continues to bother I am going to have to get relocated in a different section. Well, other than that's about all I have to say for now. Hopefully more positive entries will continue instead of the usual negative ones. Well, let me go.
About this Entry
Jan. 30th, 2005 @ 09:13 pm Self Respect and more problems
So I finally went to see Spanglish this afternoon. It was pretty good. I will probably write a review for it later but at the end these two teenagers came in and they were in the first row and then started to do stuff. Sadly since they weren't behind me and I could see them I had to walk out of the theater because that stuff is uncalled for and I can't stand when people do it. I usually sit and watch the credits but they started going at it. So I left. So you know what I was so bothered by it, I went up to the guest services and complained about it. The guy called his manager over to talk to me about it. I told him it was unacceptable that they allow people to sneak into the theater just to do that stuff. The manager apologized and I probably will never go back to that theater now because of what happened. When stuff like this happens at particular theaters, I can never go back to the theaters. Like the regal in north Brunswick and the regal in Georgia. I just can't stand witnessing shit and people seem not to have respect for themselves or anyone else in the theater. I can't believe that at this point and time, I feel like each theater needs a moderator to stand there so they can kick out people who talk, who are on their cell phones, or are doing inappropriate things in the theater. I mean what are we four again. What happened to right and wrong. Why has the morals been forgotten? I know I am old fashioned but seriously what's wrong with people? Why don't they respect themselves? I mean why do this stuff in a public area. Why not go to a hotel, or even yet their home and do this stuff. Why go somewhere public where there are so many people? It's unbelievable and this stuff really needs to be addressed because this stuff is not acceptable.

So moving on, My Mom is now talking about a serious divorce from my dad and to top it off my Mom was talking about moving because I was telling her that I was going to send my reactivation request into Rowan tomorrow and she said she doesn't know why I am doing that because she's not staying in the area. There is so much crap going down lately. I feel so overwhelmed by things. Oh well my Mom has now asked me to drive down to San Diego sometime over the next month to check out apartments for her. Its interesting but yet very thought provoking at the same time. Also my Mom was telling me that she wants to send my brother Jarrod out here. I had to object right away because not only am I working like everyday that I don't have a bedroom for him to sleep in. I guess he could sleep on the couch but that's a whole another issue that is added to the platter of things I already have to think about.

So tomorrow is the start of school and work, I will have my hands full. Tomorrow, I got to get up around 9:30am and take a shower and then head to class and then right to work afterwards. It's going to be a long day and then the next day will be even longer as I have a full day of classes. I also can't help but think of all my problems. There are so much things to think about. I wish I had my head free of things. I would like to keep a positive attitude but its hard to thinking about all the negative issues that need to be addressed and need a solution for.

But im going to go since it doesn't really matter what i write down at this point.
About this Entry
Jan. 30th, 2005 @ 01:57 am Are You Happy Now?
Current Mood: stressedstressed
Current Music: Michelle Branch - Are You Happy Now?
It’s funny because now that school is starting up again and I have a job. I would think I would be happy that I don't have to spend hours in the house with nothing to do only to see Heather and Henry come in later on that evening and make out on the couch or the floor or talk about noises Henry should be making when Heather gives him a blowjob or talk about the different sexual positions they want to try in the Joy to Sex book. But no I am not happy maybe because there is so much to be unhappy about. There are a few things that have been starting to get to me lately so let me start:

First off, there is this situation with my dad. My dad as everyone knows is a royal asshole who thinks about no one but himself. My dad hasn't been working since October and has now told my mom on Friday that he refuses to go back to work. My dad has been going to doctors trying to find something wrong with him so he can stay out of work. So far all he got was a high blood pressure and a pain in his back. My dad has been to over 7 doctors now and none of them found anything really wrong with him, nothing even serious enough to give him medicine for. But my dad as the lazy fuck he is just keeps going to doctors wasting money on co-pays to find something wrong with him. Most people when they go to the doctor and don't have a problem they are happy. Not my dad, he wants something to be wrong. He wants to be sick. So anyway my dad isn't working which means my mom is now out $1,600 a month, which is why I now pay for my car payment. But then guess what else just got brought up. Scott what other schools can you go to in California; my mom asked me the other day. I told her I wanted to come home but she says I don't know if that's possible with your dad being out of work now. She says its impossible for her to save up any money and now she may have to go to the state on Monday and see if she can get food stamps. My mom told my dad she is helping me out with rent and he doesn't care about her or me. So how is my mom supposed to feed all my brothers, pay for her car loan, pay the insurance, pay for her rent, pay all the bills, and supposedly help me out with only $2,500 a month. It's impossible and my dad doesn't care. Its upsetting. So now I have to worry about not getting back because my mom and my aunt apparently sat down and talked about me getting back and she told my mom that she would help but couldn't pay the whole way. So a new problem is already started which I am determined to figure out because I HAVE to get back east once this school semester ends. I can't take living here anymore. Everything bad has happened since I moved out here and I just want to go back east and forget it all happened.

Next, is the fact that even though I am making more money I still have so much money to spend on bills. I calculated that I would probably bring in $1,200 each month plus maybe $200 on ebay or yahoo now since that prick got all my hot selling auctions canceled. So that brings me a total of $1,400 a month. With that money I have to put gas in the car which will cost me $300 a month, $225 for the rent, $275 for my car payment, $75 for my cell phone bill, $300 for food, $25 for laundry which leaves me with $200 left over. I mean seriously I can't really save up anything to get myself back. On top of it I mean between School and Work I am going to be burned out. I am almost for sure that I will be working 4-5 days a week and then going to school 5 days a week. Saturday will be my only day of freedom which I am sure will detail nothing more then me sleeping half the day, getting up, sitting on the computer, seeing a movie, write a review, and then watching TV or a DVD and going to bed. I am going to be burned out.

Moving on, I then think about this Heather situation. I think Henry should move in too and her and him should split the remainder of the rent. Really $150 each isn't that much and since they don't have car payments and carpool to school, don't pay a cell phone bill, or pay for laundry then I think they can handle it. That would take $200 off me, which I could put away to at least pay to get my car and my plane ticket to get back east. My mom and aunt then could worry about getting the money to send my stuff back or putting it in storage. I also can't help think that Heather's little ploy to get me to live in Covina. I remember when looking for an apartment every place other then Covina was to expensive or too far. It's better to live in Covina; it's better to live in LA County. Sure it’s better because Henry lives 5 miles down the road. It sucks when I have to drive 40 minutes to school and then a hour to work. It sucks because of that. I don't have a great schedule where I can go to class 2 days a week and then work at a place where I can walk to from the house. I have to travel to school 5 days a week and then to work 5 days. I can't believe I listened to her crap about moving here. Sure I like Covina but its so out of the way compared to the other places I have to go. If I was just working, I guess it would be fine because I would keep searching for a job up here but when I am going to school so far away its not worth looking for a job up near the house when I have to go directly there after school. I live in Covina because Henry lives here and that's the bottom line. And she things this guy can be over so much then why not pay more of the rent since 3 people are basically living here as opposed to 2. I mean this one complains about paying a $60 electric bill. Please!! She can have my bills plus the massive debt I owe to Jen hanging on my shoulder.

As we continue on, I have to deal with the fact I have no friends out here. It's easy for everyone to say get over it. I mean sure it's easy to say that. But when you sit here each day and have no one to hang out with, its depressing and I am sure its only going to get worse when I start working and then have no one to sit down with on my day off and have a nice dinner with and go see a movie with. I am sure that's going to bother me even more. I had dinner tonight at On the Border. I felt like asking the waitress to sit down with me and have dinner. I hate being alone when i am in public because in public almost everyone is in a group or as a couple. I am not even looking for a dating relationship but just a friendship one of which isn't all of lies like the one Heather and I seem to have. I just need a friend someone I can talk to and hang out with. I am used to being alone now and don't mind it but when I go out I want someone to go out with. I don't like being alone in public. I know now why people who are lonely go to the same place to eat every day because they have some interaction. Everyone gets to know them and they feel a friendly connection. It's sad it has to come down to that but what can you do that's how life is and it's honest.

Moving further, Honesty is good. Honesty however does make you feel like shit sometimes. It was hard hearing from one person that I always thought would always miss me. Say Not really, when I ask them if they missed me. It's hard to deal with that. But its part of life and maybe it's my sign now to finally move on from that. It took a lot to get to that point but maybe just hearing those two small words could really make me move on. However I have to admit Honesty is good because you know their true feeling. I would have rather Heather told me she was a whore when I asked her and then I would have pushed myself, my aunt and my mom to get me home. I would have gone beyond just hearing them and pushing them to the limit. I would have done that but hearing the refreshing news of Heather saying I am not about sex, I will not have people over every day, I am honest, I will cook for us, I will do this, I will do that, and just bullshit me to get me to want to move in with her thinking it would be a smart choice. All Lies. I can't think of one thing I originally asked her that she didn't lie to me about. This little innocent person turned into what I hate about people. I talk to her for a little bit everyday but hide my true anger because she would be scared if I really gave her my two cents. Mike's right about honesty, if he tells me everything, I will accept it better then for him to not tell me and then I find out some day. Everyone should do that. Just be real and true, don't beat around the bush. Just say the true feeling and that way you can move on and accept it.

Funny how tonight I acted like Amanda using me as a referral to get $500 was just something that angered me but it was all of the above too. I don't know why i let this topic bother me probably because I felt like I had a strong friendship with Amanda when things were going good at blockbuster. I mean to be real without her I probably would have never been promoted. Without her I would have never gotten this job at Bed, Bath, and beyond. So I guess I am a little disappointed that she would only want me for the bonus and not want me to work in her department with her. She didn't even ask for me to work with her. It's upsetting probably because of everything else and it wouldn't matter as much if the other things weren't there but honestly. I got a real feeling of compassion from Amanda when she and I worked together. She liked my dry sarcastic humor and she told me I put her in a good mood. I guess I can't help but feel a bit hurt when the honesty came out and the fact is she doesn't really care enough to want me to work for her.

So needless to say I have a lot of things in my head right now. I have try to get them cleared by tomorrow night when I go to bed and have to wake up with a positive attitude the next day to start my first day of school and work. I actually got up today and was in a good mood. I dressed up nice and looked good, if I do say so myself but I guess not hearing anyone say you look good and then all these thoughts come across and everyone I ran into today had a bad day, from the person who gave me my new hire orientation who cried most of the orientation because she found out her sister is having an affair with her boss, to the waitress at on the border who was having a bad day because no one showed up for their shift, to heather being sexually harassed at work. Everyone seemed to be having a bad day, which really killed my mood. I really did wake up with some good feelings this morning. It’s just too bad it was too good to last. Well let me get going, I am going to go watch Greg the Bunny and see if I could get a few laughs before I go to bed.
About this Entry
Jan. 27th, 2005 @ 08:53 pm Pretty Lousy Day today.
Current Mood: frustratedfrustrated
I got up around 12:30, took a shower, went on the computer to see what downloaded overnight. I then went online to see how my auctions were doing. Ebay ended all my auctions, because some fucking guy filed a complaint against me. It's funny because the guy didn't like the product I sent him so he sent me this threatening email and I said to myself well fuck this. I will just send him his money back well I got the email Friday and had his refund to him by Sunday. Sadly I guess it didn't make his 48 hour deadline he sent me so he already contacted ebay. When he received the refund he said he would go away but then today all my auctions got canceled because that guy reported me to ebay. So now I can't sell my normal items on ebay. Weird thing is that I have been selling these items every since summer without any problem and of coarse now when I get the chance to get a job and make some extra pocket money some asshole has to come along and spoil it. So that really pissed me off today. I then decided to list on Yahoo which of coarse everyone knows sucks compared to ebay because barely anyone buys on there but I listed my items on there at a lower price so maybe someone will buy them. Other than that, I pretty much sat in the house all day. Heather thank the lord left for work at 2 so I didn't have to see her yet today. I just was online most of the day letting files download. I then went to Walmart earlier but they didn't have what I wanted so I went back home. Around 6pm I went to Carl's Jr for dinner. I got myself the western double bacon cheeseburger and a taco. I came home and watched 2 episodes of Arrested Development (Yes, I am addicted to it now and sadly I only have 4 episodes left before I am done with the entire box set) and then went to another Walmart to get some junk food, labels, and cdrs. I came back home now and decided to write this entry. I have to go to orientation on Saturday from 2pm to 5pm. I am not really looking forward to it because I am sure its really lame and you have to watch videos and fill out paper work so that's not fun. Other than that this weekend will be pretty boring to as I celebrate my final week of freedom before school and work start. It's going to really hit me next week because with 5-6 classes and then 30-35 hours of work. I will be feeling the pain. Not much in the way of Movies coming out this weekend, Will definitely go see Hide and Seek tomorrow afternoon before the stupid teen crowd hits the theater. I think the movie will be pretty good. I know it has average reviews but Saw had Average reviews too and it was really good!!!

More bad news, is I have to come up with $200 by the end of next week. I came up with $300 this week which most of which is for my car payment but how the hell am I going to come up with $200 for the rent when I can't sell on ebay anymore. I guess its time to start making some new products to sell but that will take a few days. I have to hope yahoo kicks in this week for me. To top it all off I have to go to the post office tomorrow and mail out 15-18 things. Not fun at all since that will be another $50+ I have to come up with. I guess this weekend the smart thing to do will be to look for shows to download and make into dvds. That's what I need to do but most shows are in midseason so I doubt I can get a full season anywhere but I will have to look. Well, let me get going, I have to dwell on what I can do to solve this problem.
About this Entry
Jan. 27th, 2005 @ 03:44 pm I really want...
I really want a Bowling for Soup T-shirt. Surprisingly their website actually has a shirt in 2XL which always amazes me because most bands don't like the 2xl guys and heaven forbid your even larger your screwed. Well, the shirt is $15.00 and I really want it but at the moment I don't have money for it but maybe when I get my paycheck from my new job. I just hope it doesn't sell out by then.

About this Entry
Jan. 27th, 2005 @ 03:07 pm What ever happened to Aqua?
I remember a few years ago about 1997 is when the band Aqua hit the Radio with that song Barbie Girl. Since then they made a follow-up album in 2000 which I never heard of or remembered about. However I remember that I had Aqua's original album but I let some bitch at school borrow it and she never gave me it back. I downloaded a few songs of theirs over the last few days and have an urge now to purchase both CDs which will cost me a whopping $8.00 for both however I just wonder what became of them. They definitely had a unique sound that's for sure. Ok well thats my random little tidbit for today

About this Entry