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| Feb. 8th, 2005 @ 09:21 pm Journal is closed | |||
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| Well, this is my final entry. I am sorry but this journal has got to go. Nothing but bad memories are here. I can't keep this open. I have been told to move on so I must do everything in my power to make sure I don't have anymore heartbreak or sorrow. So thanks for reading and all the best to my livejournal friends. I hope life treats you better then it did me. |
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| Feb. 8th, 2005 @ 12:16 am My extremely long reply to Mike's comment | |||
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| When ever you give me advice its always on how badly I make decisions you know what I know I make bad decisions all the time. I know that but for once Mike I want you to just say Scott, go for it, and try it and I will hope the best. I thought about this, if everyone tells you your going to be a mailman when you grow up and if everyone you come in contact with tells you that. It’s almost pretty damn certain that your going to be a mailman. Mike no one ever blamed you for causing these bad things to happen. I never said that shit so don’t try to get pissed off at me about that. I am serious. I don’t want to have you get mad at me over a comment that wasn’t geared towards you. I am not blaming you for what happened with California, with Jen, with anything. I am not. Mike the difference between your relationship and my relationship is that mine lasted longer. Sure it had arguments but at least when I had arguments one of the two of us didn’t just throw up our hands and go fuck it, I want out like Dave does. Dave toyed with your emotions all the time, and at the end of the day you never knew what the outcome would be. He says he is sorry but then just abandons you again. I mean with Jen and I we didn’t have a healthy relationship when it came to arguing or fighting but 9 out of 10 times the next day we would get up and apologize and still be together. You know how you don’t understand my relationship with Jen and how I could tolerate her, well I didn’t get your either. Every time I talked with you about Dave it was either Excellent or Over. There wasn’t much in between. Dave really did play with you and it was very fucked up. You may love him again for some reason I don’t see but still I love Jen still for the person who cared about me even when we ended the night with I hate you and the next day everything was good. She didn’t walk out of my life, I probably could have still had her when I went back but no bigheaded Scott always thinking I can do better. Everyone says that but how do you know for sure? I feel I am missing out on someone now. Someone who I shared a lot of memorable times with and no one who I can share them with again, someone who at the end of the day always really loved me and when I woke up the next day would be there. Can I not want this back, you see the innocence I am looking for is in Jen, it always has been I was just too stupid to see it. I am not being selfish, I am thinking things out. Thinking how I really fucked things up now and then and how we didn’t handle things properly. You state the money issue in California, well yes, we would have had an issue with that but if we moved someone else would it have worked out. Lets take this for an example lets say I started Rowan in Fall, I got $10,000 back from financial aid. I give Jen $5,000 of that to pay off the bills from the money I owe her, I then take the other $5,000 from that money and put it towards an apartment. In Cherry Hill, I can get an apartment for $795, if I take $450 from financial aid money each month and put it towards the rent that leaves $345 to come up with. If I pay off all the rest of almost all of Jen’s bills before moving in your telling me that we couldn’t afford to pay $172.50 each towards the rent plus our car payments. Sure we could. I am paying like $300 a month now, plus my car payment of $275 and I doing that just fine. You cut the rent in half that will be fine. See everyone jumps the gun with me. I can’t be thinking things through because I haven’t in the past. I wasn’t going to start up a long-distance relationship again well maybe for a few months but then I was going to figure something out where we could live together. Like if the relationship was a go again, I would save up some money when I got back east so I can send her back home for a couple of days so she could see her Niece Ella and her friends back in Georgia. I wasn’t being selfish. I was thinking about everything on a whole for once which I know is a shock but I have learned from my mistakes. I know expect too much from people, which is why I have given up on people. I fall for people yes but could it go serious that is the question? My thing with Jen is what I want some one who is pure and I know you say that doesn’t exist in the world. It does but its hard to find. Why I am going to keep trying to find someone who I can relate to or who follows the set path I want when I can have the person I used to be with who I just took for granted because I was thinking with my little head rather then my big one. I mean seriously, cut me some fucking slack. I know I need attention but with Jen I got that and why can’t you see that’s what I needed. Have you ever seen the pictures of us together? I have never seen myself so damn happy. I am serious no one else has ever made me feel that way. It’s probably like the feeling you get when you’re having a good time with Dave. I am not going to cave into societies demand for people. I have beliefs and if they are outdated then so forth but I am not going to change something I believe in, in order to be happy because that doesn’t work, I tried it already and it failed. I tried the changing the clothes thing, I tried the drinking thing, and it doesn’t work. You have to stay true to yourself and I am sorry but this is who I am. Just because so many people can’t wait for sex doesn’t mean that every single person is like that. Jen wasn’t like that. Why am I going to just be in a relationship again with someone I don’t know? Its going to take forever for me to have sex with that person because I will take a very long time to know and trust them plus who says anyone will work out. With Jen I know it will work out, I have someone who is pure and together we can share that special moment of sex because it will be both our first time and it will mean something when it happens not this game of sex everyone just throws around now. SEX TO ME: TO ME IS SOMETHING THAT YOU SHARE WITH YOUR TRUE LOVE and at this moment I feel that person is Jen. You keep saying I don’t try to meet new people; each new person I meet makes me want to be with Jen even more. I meet people every day just because I don’t write about it doesn’t mean I don’t. I just don’t see that one person who I connect with on every level like I do with Jen. I am sorry, you say Jen isn’t the right person but how do you know that. Maybe there is someone else but what I should just keep waiting till I find this person and it may never happen. I rather just have someone I care for and LOVE. Someone up till the last couple of days, I never felt this way about, someone who I realize I took for granted all these years. Mike you may say I am crazy and granted I never denied that but when someone upsets you when they move on and you say you want to die if they aren’t in your life that’s serious. That means that person really affected you in one way or another. It means something to me. I am looking for more then friendship with Jen. Mike, I am very satisfied with you as a friend maybe I haven’t told you but I am. When I get back if I have you and Mr. Hodock that’s all I need in terms of friends. However it’s not what I need in terms of love. Let me ask you something seriously, says I want to go to a Mandy Moore Concert. You could most likely go with me right? But what I am saying is are you going to enjoy it? Probably not! Will it be a memorable experience? Probably not because I will get the feeling oh I dragged Mike along to something he has no interest in. If Jen went with me, we would be singing and having a good time, when I look back on our relationship now we didn’t take nearly as many pictures as we should have. There were so many good times I remember now and no photos to document it. It’s a nice way to remember good times photos because your brain loves to remember the bad times and never the good. But see Mike, its someone that I share my interests with and who enjoys it. Its like the old saying if it ain’t broke don’t fix it. I mean seriously why would I throw away someone who is also just like me when even you admit that finding someone who I approve of may never happen so why don’t I just stay with someone I know everything about and whom I love? Mike, when you and Jen start agreeing it becomes a sad day for me. When I woke up this morning and read her email. I almost burst into tears but no I couldn’t my eyes and head wouldn’t let me believe what I read. I just had an overwhelming urge to die. And I know I say that a lot but no I am not kidding. I looked at the Advil on the desk and thought shit I could take the entire jar of these and by the end of the day, I would be dead but no I didn’t do that. I took a shower and drove to school but the thought of it wouldn’t leave my head. I called Jen up who surprisingly picked up the phone and I started to express myself to her. I then started crying. Extremely hard I might add. Probably the hardest I have cried in a long, long time. My sadness then turned to anger about 10 minutes after crying. When I hear two people who I know hate each other actually admit that the other person is right it hurts me. Sure. Move on, you say? But what if I can’t? You know some people get stuck at a particular point in their life and can’t move further. I made Jen a few things for Valentine’s Day after feeling so high and mighty on Saturday. I put my heart into them. I am going to mail them to her tomorrow or Wednesday and she can’t open them till the 14th. On the 14th, if she opens them and feels the same way she does today then I agree its over. All memories of her will have to be forgotten and everything about her has to be gone. All photos, all memories, even Whiskers because like she said it’s our cat and if we aren’t a team then I cant keep it because I love the cat so much because it reminds me of Jen. If the gift doesn’t work, I don’t know what I will do. I am already planning on requesting the 14th off from work just in case it doesn’t because some real emotions will be shown and the future outcome of everything is waiting till that day. Once it happens, I don’t know right now which direction it will go to but some really serious things may happen if it doesn’t go the way I want. I may just totally disappear which isn’t that hard since I can change my number, close the live journal, delete my AOL account, and move in June. So I haven’t decided what I was going to do yet but something really drastic will have to happen. |
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| Feb. 7th, 2005 @ 09:43 am I'm just going to crawl into a little hole now and die! | |||
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| Good Morning! Sorry I haven't wrote you back, I've had a busy weekend. Just because I said that I love you doesn't mean that I want to get back together. I love you and will always love you that is something that will never change. I also did not feel the need to comment on your journal entry as Mike pretty much expressed how I felt and why it would not work in his comment. The old Jen no longer exists. She is somewhere in California and never made it home with me. I am changing because I want to, not because someone wants me to or is telling me to. When you get out of a relationship there are things that will need to change and I have done those things. Plus you cannot say that you are able to control your anger and violence when there is nobody around to make you angry or violent! You need to stop dwelling on the past. I wouldn't get back into a relationship with you to be honest. You only want to get back with me because you are comfortable around me. This is really hard to tell you but you will have to find out sooner or later but I have been talking to this guy that I met on eharmony and we went out on Saturday and had a great time. He asked if I would be his girlfriend and I said yes. He is a really great guy and we are really happy. I saw him last night as well. We watched superbowl together. I'm really happy right now with my life . I have to go take a shower and get ready for work. I'm sorry if this hurts you. ~<3Jen<3~ |
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| Feb. 5th, 2005 @ 01:42 am Warning cursing, lots of grammar errors, and a pretty long entry is below | |||
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Current Mood:
Well, tonight is Friday night, The first Friday Night I had to work in about two months now. Tonight, at work it wasn't that bad, wasn't great but wasn't bad. I did however have the thought of Jen crossing my mind several times tonight, however. It was weird because it came out of no where but I will get into that later. contemplativeCurrent Music: We are the Champions - Queen So my first week of work and school has ended. The outcome? I like all my classes at school this semester except for the Religion course for two reasons one, I hate religion and two, the class is at 7am and I leave here around 5:30am and still barely make it to class in time because there is bumper to bumper traffic. Anyway, other than that school is cool, I feel I will actually have to apply myself this semester. Philosophy and Religion are going to require a lot of reading and thinking. In terms of my job, I am not fond of it but I could deal with it. The people I work with are as phony as a fake hundred dollar bill but its tolerable I guess. I went to best buy yesterday but of course when I got there they were all at lunch. So I have to go down there I guess on Monday again and see if I can pester the shit out of them for an interview. If worst comes to worst I guess I can stay at Bed, Bath, and Beyond until I go back east in June, July or August since no set month is set yet. The job is so boring. It's like the complete opposite of Blockbuster. You go in and there's nothing to do. You just do busy work. In Blockbuster, I went in everyday with tons of shit to do and the time went by so damn fast because of it. Sure I hated the job because of the stress level and the workload but compared to sitting around for hours with my thumb up my ass, I would prefer to have work to actually do that NEEDS to be done. That's all I am really going to say about that. So I get my first paycheck on Friday, which wont be much. Do you think I get any of that? Nope, it's time for me to get my shit in order. I have to pay bills first so I have Aaron's to pay which is $103, then $51.17 for the post office for a bounced check, make a payment to my credit card of at least $50 which will probably leave about $80 left of my check for food, gas, and movies for the next two weeks. My other paycheck which I will get on the 25th which will be close to $600, $275 has to go to my car payment, another $65 for Aaron's, $100 has to go towards my rent, and the rest will go towards food, gas, movies and maybe just maybe I can try to save up about $50 bucks each paycheck and start putting away for coming back east but I can't swear on that since problems always arise. So next week is another week which I am pretty booked solid. I work Sunday 12pm to 8:30pm, Monday 12:30pm to 9:00pm, Wednesday 2:00pm to 10:30pm, & Friday 12:30pm to 9:00pm. I work 32 Hours each week which seems like the pretty set schedule of hours for me. It's a decent paycheck so that's the positive outlook I have about the job. I feel people in that store are very unhappy though. The girl who I work with her name is Brenda and she was talking about quitting soon, the other lady Gloria said she was quitting soon as well, and some other girl I just met today said the same thing. Bed, Bath, and Beyond seems like blockbuster without the workload, very unhappy employees. So moving on, So while I was at work tonight since I have really nothing work related to think about I started to think about Jen tonight. I don't know where it came from but I just remember how good I felt on Wednesday when she emailed me and then when we talked on the phone she almost started to cry. It really got me that day. It actually stood with me but I been so busy I didn't have time to think about until today when I was just sitting on the floor at work pricing candles. I couldn't help but wonder how she was doing, was she seeing anyone, has she seen anyone other then for a nice dinner or date, has she done anything with anyone else (sexual related ), and most importantly I was thinking what made our relationship not work. So I began to analyze it. So as I sat there on the floor at Bed, Bath and Beyond, I just dazed off and thought about this. I think it was hard for us to be around each other so much because we weren't used to it which again adds to why the move to California went so bad. We had a problem with being together to much. Maybe I had a problem with it. But anyway that and the struggle with money might have made the outcome so bad. If the whole thing happened in NJ where the costs were down, I doubt it would have turned out as bad as it did. But I do have to admit I miss Jen. There's something wrong with me that I can't move on from this point in time in my life. I just can't help but think that we should be together. You see thinking back on things I miss a lot of things and can see what happened here. OK, let me start by saying Jen always watched TV and I was always on the Internet, OK, that wasn't good and I remember we fought a lot about these things. But I miss being forced to watch TV with her. I mean she made me watch some really bad shows like the Apprentice but it was fun and I had a good time watching it with her even though I made it seem like it was a chore. I just think we both should have tried to make time for each other more and talk about things. Like one night Scott sit down and watch the apprentice with me, and the next night Jen sit down and watch say Arrested Development with me. I think we should have alternated better with both the computer and TV. We should have shared our TV time together and the PC time even yes I do admit now I was on the Internet way to much and I do apologize for that. But I really miss Jen because of the person she was when she was around me. I miss not having my other half basically. I just don't like many people in this world who I would want more than just a friend because I have high standards and things which seem so normal to so many are not what I think are normal or should happen and Jen was one of the few people who actually stood by that with me. Thinking back both Jen and I shared the problems by each creating half of them. I know I should have budgeted better and made more of an effort to spend time with her. I should have gotten my ass off that damn computer and spent time with her. Its my fault to some degree and I am realizing that now. I also need to learn how curve my anger but I think I am getting better at that now. I haven't felt any violent urges lately to throw things or hit. I think I am growing as a person now and realizing that I made my share of mistakes and if I could correct them I would. I also think I wanted to much from life before and you can't get everything you want seriously. I mean, Dana what the hell was I thinking? I really don't know but I can't really imagine how bad I made Jen feel at that point. I mean shit, I broke up with her to try to be in a relationship with a drunk alcoholic slut. I mean I don't know what the hell came over me but thinking back on it, it was such a horrible thing to do but I just wish she could forgive me for it. I can't help but think that I might have had the person I loved with me for the past 6 and a half years but just couldn't realize it thinking I could date or be with people who had no interest in me besides being friends. I always used to think like oh I can date someone like Britney Spears but I needed to get a reality check, it's not going to happen, even if I could date someone like that which would be highly unlikely but I probably wouldn't be able to tolerate her after a few days. I mean my idiotic idea to move in with Heather proves the point so well and we aren't even dating or anything. I mean I get very stupid sometimes, I don't think before I act. Jen and I have had a lot of bad times but then we got over them that's what the good thing was about it. We just needed to talk more and express ourselves instead of getting mad at each other and throwing things at each other. We should have just sat down and talked things through and tried to get through them together. I really do miss Jen more than she probably knows because looking back I can't help to think about all the good things we shared together. What I liked most about when Jen and I were together was that we were ourselves. I liked that the most, we just dressed nice when we had to go somewhere special or when she had to go to work but other than that we just wore what ever we felt like. We didn't do much in terms for fun but the dinner and the movie was the normal thing and we liked it. Trips to Disneyland were also quite enjoyable. We didn't care what other people thought, we didn't worry about having makeup, piercing, and that junk. I miss that stuff now, talking to Jen in Georgia since she got back has been kind of weird for me because one she doesn't seem to care about me at all, of course this is up till the last email I got from her and two she seems to have changed so much. I mean I understand the dieting thing because hey everyone has jumped on that bandwagon except for me of course but I can understand that. But her attitude outside this week towards me has changed, the way she talks has changed, I don't know what the people down there are doing for her but they seem to be completely removing all the Scott out of her. It was hard to say but things she said just seemed to bother me. However, I really want to get back together with Jen. I however want the regular Jen not the new Jen. I would like to give this another go when I get back east. I think a part of the reason we both failed out here is the reason that we both had such negative vibes before moving out here. Jen's mother and father were clearly opposed to the idea, my mom was too even though after a while she didn't admit it, Mike was as well. I am sorry but if you have a lot of people around you saying your going to fail most of the time, you will fail. It's better to just not talk about something and just do it, take the risk. I don't know what the outcome will be this time around if it happens. I really don't want anyone's advice on it because I already know what the advice is going to be given but I don't want to hear it, I can just place the blame on myself if it doesn't work out and I think that's what I need to do. Of course if this occurs, Jen and I will have to sit down and talk about somethings first like how we can fix the previous problems. Like I said, I am learning to control and express my anger in a nonviolent manner, I am learning when to spend and when not to spend, I am learning and growing more and more each day. We also have to discuss a solution to the huge hatred she has caused about me in Georgia. I don't know how I am going to fix that but as I said when I get back east I am going to work on getting her quite a large sum of the money I owe her from the financial aid so I can get the burden off my chest and she won't have the extra bills to pay. However, like I said, if this relationship does form again then I think she's going to have to say something to all these people about me, I mean everyone in her life already didn't like me normally and since Jen butchered my name even more when she returned, everyone hates me now with a passion. Telling one side of the story isn't the best way to tell a story because someone always looks like the complete asshole or bad guy (me) and the other person looks all innocent (jen) which isn't the case. I cant be around people who can't stand me because that just doesn't feel right and is awkward. I really wish you could just use a memory eraser stick like in Men in Black and wipe everyone's mind clean up to a certain point in time. I also wish I had a time machine to go back and fix all the foolish mistakes I made but its not going to happen but I have to overcome this issue. It's a lot of shit that went through my head while I was at Bed, Bath and Beyond tonight and I even tried to call Jen but of course she didn't answer. So I sent her a text message which I wonder if she got because I never got a response. It's a hard thing to deal with but it's something that I want to deal with and I want to talk about. I needed to express myself tonight and I am glad I did with this entry. |
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| Feb. 2nd, 2005 @ 06:47 pm Boy, am I tired | |||
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| Well, as all of you who read my journal (all 3 maybe 4 of you I must add) know I started school and my new job at Bed, Bath, and Beyond this week. So let me start by giving a little recap of what happened so far this week and how it went. On Monday, I woke up at 9:20, took a shower, and headed down to Chapman. Got there in an hour which is double the time it normally takes to get there. It was OK because I just made it to class on time. On Monday, I had Issues of Mass Media which will be one of three, yes you heard that right three classes that will actually make me think this semester. Of course to make my day better Professor Levy is the teacher for this class. He is awesome. I had him for two classes last term and he is awesome. So had a decent time in that class and afterwards talked to Mr. Levy about how the break went and so forth. After class I had to drive down to Irvine to get to Bed, Bath and Beyond. The job sucks. So incredibly boring and I work in candles and the smell gave me a massive headache. I mean massive, one in which I had to take 4 advil afterwards to get rid of. So I talked to my Mom about it and she told me that she is allergic to fumes of candles. So I think that might be the issue and its not like it was one candle I was smelling, I was smelling a whole crap load of them. So tomorrow when I have to work again from 2pm to 10:30pm, not looking forward to that at all by the way, I have to see if I get a headache again. If so then they will have to move me from that section. Which I hate to make them do but I am not going to have massive headaches every time I work. As for everything else at the job, there isn't much to do at the store since it's pretty well taken care of because they have so many people working there. Also people seem to be OK, none of which I would say hey lets go hang out after work but they seem OK. Some better then others of course. My problem is for 8 hours, I had really nothing to do. My department manager Dina gave me a project. Finished it within 20 minutes afterwards. Just stood around for an hour. Then took candles off the shelve and re-priced them and put them in order by flavor. I mean wow boring stuff which technically didn't need to be done. Its like Busy work because there's nothing to really do. Aw so boring. I was used to having a job where I would go in and be bombarded with stuff I needed to do. Now, its like woah there's nothing that really needs to get done. It's lame and the products in the store don't even interest me which makes it even worse. So I hope tomorrow (Thursday) will be better and maybe I can get moved around. Also talked to Amanda for a bit that day and she was like oh they wouldn't have allowed you to work in my department, I had to fight to get John. So I understood but it angered me a bit because she couldn't fight to get me too that seemed kind of lame but anyway moving on. After that I drove up to Covina which only took 35 minutes and then went to Target to get the advil and some more of these Rainbow Chip Deluxe Cookies which I am now addicted to. I came home and watched an episode of Arrested Development Season 2 which I downloaded after that I went to bed. The next morning, which is Tuesday morning, I woke up at get this 5:20am, took a shower and left the apartment at 5:45am. I didn't get to school until 7:15am which I was then 15 minutes late to class. My first class was religion which I have no interest in. The 7am class was overfilled and there was people actually sitting on the floor for the class very weird to see at 7am. I know why though because this is the best religion teacher Chapman has to offer and he only teaches 2 classes one at 7:00am and the other at 8:30am. Religion is not my bag but I will probably be thinking a lot in the class. The teacher seems pretty good however the topic to me is boring but I will deal because I have to take the class at both here or at Rowan. So then after that class, I have Sociology which seems very interesting. The teacher is off the wall at 8:30am which is scary because she's so happy that early. But class seems pretty easy and laid back and it's a nice class to have after the religion class. After that I have Public Speaking, which I took in Berkeley but I figure I could use another class in this area so I am taking it and that is from 10:00am till 11:15am. The professor wasn't in the class today but apparently this tag team of professors that teach this course are some of the best professors at Chapman. I doubt they can be better than Levy but I will see that tomorrow. Class is HUGE for a public speaking class about 150 students so I doubt there will be more than one or two speeches each. After that I have a break from 11:15am till 4:00pm even though I am going to try to add a Internet class at 11:30 till 12:45 but since its not for sure yet I can't say I will take it. So I went to the Bank of America to cash some $40 mystery money order I got but before I went to the bank some prick started to follow me in his car. You see I was at a light in the turning lane and it said I could make a U-turn so when the light turned green, I made my U-turn then some guy pulled up along side me and start pointing at me and said I want to talk to you. I was like WHAT? So I pulled into the bank and this joker pulled into the parking lot right next to the bank. I went to park and when I looked across this guy was looking at me point at me. I said to myself what's wrong with this person. It was creepy. So I pulled out of the bank parking lot without going into the bank because I was afraid of this guy. So I go to pull out and he follows me again. Gets behind me and follows me as I keep changing lanes. So I got over to the right lane and then did a three lane Menzel in order to lose him which I did but It was scary because he was following me for a good 2 miles. So after that I went back to the bank, got my $40 bucks and went to see Sideways again at 1:15pm. The movie got out at 3:30 and I drove back to Chapman. I went to my Philosophy class from 4:00pm to 6:50pm. Good class, very interesting, good teacher. Very thought provoking which is draining especially having 3 maybe 4 classes already. When I got out of the class, I was beat, so damn tired but I still had Entertainment arts forum. I got a bacon cheeseburger and fries from the on campus place to eat and brought it to class. After I ate in the class, I started to fall asleep, so I left class and decided that there's no way in hell I could survive another class after Philosophy. So I drove home and got back in 25 minutes. I came in and was surprised Henry wasn't there funny thing was she was just leaving to pick him up. So I came in, went online, checked my email, checked to see what downloaded, got a glass of milk and cookies and watched 2 episodes of Arrested Development Season 2. Damn them its the best damn show and its going to be canceled in 2 weeks. So after that Heather called me in to talk to her about jobs or some shit and then I went to bed. Today, I awoke around 9:35am because the shady cable guy called my cell phone. I got dressed and left at 9:45am. I met up with the cable guy and gave him $60 of the $100 I owed him. I then went to get gas for my car and then headed down to class. I actually got to Chapman in 25 Minutes and I ate lunch at the Chapman cafeteria before class started. Class was pretty good today. Smarter people are in this mass media class. So after class, I talked to Levy again as I always do after class. We started talking about Desperate Housewives because both him and I said last semester that the show would be huge and we both turned out to be right even though neither of us like the show and think its a piece of SHIT. But it was fun just talking about it. Well, after that I went over to the bookstore and got my books for Philosophy. I then came home laid down for a bit. Then I went to Walmart to get a pair of pants, Ray, and some other little things I needed at Walmart. When I came back, I came online to check my email and got a nice email from Jen. About 30 minutes later Jen called me and we talked for about 15 minutes. Afterwards, I just sat in the house for a bit and then went out to Burger King to get dinner. When I got back I watched another 2 episodes of Arrested Development season 2 and am now listening to bozo bush speak. Tomorrow, Will be a really long day. I have to get up at 5am and take a shower and then head down to Chapman. I will be at school from 7am till 12:45pm and then go to work from 2pm till 10:30pm. I plan on going to Best Buy again tomorrow and pestering them to see if I can pursue them to hire me. After that I will go to work and hopefully tomorrow will be better than Monday. Like I said earlier if the smell continues to bother I am going to have to get relocated in a different section. Well, other than that's about all I have to say for now. Hopefully more positive entries will continue instead of the usual negative ones. Well, let me go. |
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| Jan. 30th, 2005 @ 09:13 pm Self Respect and more problems | |||
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| So I finally went to see Spanglish this afternoon. It was pretty good. I will probably write a review for it later but at the end these two teenagers came in and they were in the first row and then started to do stuff. Sadly since they weren't behind me and I could see them I had to walk out of the theater because that stuff is uncalled for and I can't stand when people do it. I usually sit and watch the credits but they started going at it. So I left. So you know what I was so bothered by it, I went up to the guest services and complained about it. The guy called his manager over to talk to me about it. I told him it was unacceptable that they allow people to sneak into the theater just to do that stuff. The manager apologized and I probably will never go back to that theater now because of what happened. When stuff like this happens at particular theaters, I can never go back to the theaters. Like the regal in north Brunswick and the regal in Georgia. I just can't stand witnessing shit and people seem not to have respect for themselves or anyone else in the theater. I can't believe that at this point and time, I feel like each theater needs a moderator to stand there so they can kick out people who talk, who are on their cell phones, or are doing inappropriate things in the theater. I mean what are we four again. What happened to right and wrong. Why has the morals been forgotten? I know I am old fashioned but seriously what's wrong with people? Why don't they respect themselves? I mean why do this stuff in a public area. Why not go to a hotel, or even yet their home and do this stuff. Why go somewhere public where there are so many people? It's unbelievable and this stuff really needs to be addressed because this stuff is not acceptable. So moving on, My Mom is now talking about a serious divorce from my dad and to top it off my Mom was talking about moving because I was telling her that I was going to send my reactivation request into Rowan tomorrow and she said she doesn't know why I am doing that because she's not staying in the area. There is so much crap going down lately. I feel so overwhelmed by things. Oh well my Mom has now asked me to drive down to San Diego sometime over the next month to check out apartments for her. Its interesting but yet very thought provoking at the same time. Also my Mom was telling me that she wants to send my brother Jarrod out here. I had to object right away because not only am I working like everyday that I don't have a bedroom for him to sleep in. I guess he could sleep on the couch but that's a whole another issue that is added to the platter of things I already have to think about. So tomorrow is the start of school and work, I will have my hands full. Tomorrow, I got to get up around 9:30am and take a shower and then head to class and then right to work afterwards. It's going to be a long day and then the next day will be even longer as I have a full day of classes. I also can't help but think of all my problems. There are so much things to think about. I wish I had my head free of things. I would like to keep a positive attitude but its hard to thinking about all the negative issues that need to be addressed and need a solution for. But im going to go since it doesn't really matter what i write down at this point. |
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| Jan. 30th, 2005 @ 01:57 am Are You Happy Now? | |||
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Current Mood:
It’s funny because now that school is starting up again and I have a job. I would think I would be happy that I don't have to spend hours in the house with nothing to do only to see Heather and Henry come in later on that evening and make out on the couch or the floor or talk about noises Henry should be making when Heather gives him a blowjob or talk about the different sexual positions they want to try in the Joy to Sex book. But no I am not happy maybe because there is so much to be unhappy about. There are a few things that have been starting to get to me lately so let me start: stressedCurrent Music: Michelle Branch - Are You Happy Now? First off, there is this situation with my dad. My dad as everyone knows is a royal asshole who thinks about no one but himself. My dad hasn't been working since October and has now told my mom on Friday that he refuses to go back to work. My dad has been going to doctors trying to find something wrong with him so he can stay out of work. So far all he got was a high blood pressure and a pain in his back. My dad has been to over 7 doctors now and none of them found anything really wrong with him, nothing even serious enough to give him medicine for. But my dad as the lazy fuck he is just keeps going to doctors wasting money on co-pays to find something wrong with him. Most people when they go to the doctor and don't have a problem they are happy. Not my dad, he wants something to be wrong. He wants to be sick. So anyway my dad isn't working which means my mom is now out $1,600 a month, which is why I now pay for my car payment. But then guess what else just got brought up. Scott what other schools can you go to in California; my mom asked me the other day. I told her I wanted to come home but she says I don't know if that's possible with your dad being out of work now. She says its impossible for her to save up any money and now she may have to go to the state on Monday and see if she can get food stamps. My mom told my dad she is helping me out with rent and he doesn't care about her or me. So how is my mom supposed to feed all my brothers, pay for her car loan, pay the insurance, pay for her rent, pay all the bills, and supposedly help me out with only $2,500 a month. It's impossible and my dad doesn't care. Its upsetting. So now I have to worry about not getting back because my mom and my aunt apparently sat down and talked about me getting back and she told my mom that she would help but couldn't pay the whole way. So a new problem is already started which I am determined to figure out because I HAVE to get back east once this school semester ends. I can't take living here anymore. Everything bad has happened since I moved out here and I just want to go back east and forget it all happened. Next, is the fact that even though I am making more money I still have so much money to spend on bills. I calculated that I would probably bring in $1,200 each month plus maybe $200 on ebay or yahoo now since that prick got all my hot selling auctions canceled. So that brings me a total of $1,400 a month. With that money I have to put gas in the car which will cost me $300 a month, $225 for the rent, $275 for my car payment, $75 for my cell phone bill, $300 for food, $25 for laundry which leaves me with $200 left over. I mean seriously I can't really save up anything to get myself back. On top of it I mean between School and Work I am going to be burned out. I am almost for sure that I will be working 4-5 days a week and then going to school 5 days a week. Saturday will be my only day of freedom which I am sure will detail nothing more then me sleeping half the day, getting up, sitting on the computer, seeing a movie, write a review, and then watching TV or a DVD and going to bed. I am going to be burned out. Moving on, I then think about this Heather situation. I think Henry should move in too and her and him should split the remainder of the rent. Really $150 each isn't that much and since they don't have car payments and carpool to school, don't pay a cell phone bill, or pay for laundry then I think they can handle it. That would take $200 off me, which I could put away to at least pay to get my car and my plane ticket to get back east. My mom and aunt then could worry about getting the money to send my stuff back or putting it in storage. I also can't help think that Heather's little ploy to get me to live in Covina. I remember when looking for an apartment every place other then Covina was to expensive or too far. It's better to live in Covina; it's better to live in LA County. Sure it’s better because Henry lives 5 miles down the road. It sucks when I have to drive 40 minutes to school and then a hour to work. It sucks because of that. I don't have a great schedule where I can go to class 2 days a week and then work at a place where I can walk to from the house. I have to travel to school 5 days a week and then to work 5 days. I can't believe I listened to her crap about moving here. Sure I like Covina but its so out of the way compared to the other places I have to go. If I was just working, I guess it would be fine because I would keep searching for a job up here but when I am going to school so far away its not worth looking for a job up near the house when I have to go directly there after school. I live in Covina because Henry lives here and that's the bottom line. And she things this guy can be over so much then why not pay more of the rent since 3 people are basically living here as opposed to 2. I mean this one complains about paying a $60 electric bill. Please!! She can have my bills plus the massive debt I owe to Jen hanging on my shoulder. As we continue on, I have to deal with the fact I have no friends out here. It's easy for everyone to say get over it. I mean sure it's easy to say that. But when you sit here each day and have no one to hang out with, its depressing and I am sure its only going to get worse when I start working and then have no one to sit down with on my day off and have a nice dinner with and go see a movie with. I am sure that's going to bother me even more. I had dinner tonight at On the Border. I felt like asking the waitress to sit down with me and have dinner. I hate being alone when i am in public because in public almost everyone is in a group or as a couple. I am not even looking for a dating relationship but just a friendship one of which isn't all of lies like the one Heather and I seem to have. I just need a friend someone I can talk to and hang out with. I am used to being alone now and don't mind it but when I go out I want someone to go out with. I don't like being alone in public. I know now why people who are lonely go to the same place to eat every day because they have some interaction. Everyone gets to know them and they feel a friendly connection. It's sad it has to come down to that but what can you do that's how life is and it's honest. Moving further, Honesty is good. Honesty however does make you feel like shit sometimes. It was hard hearing from one person that I always thought would always miss me. Say Not really, when I ask them if they missed me. It's hard to deal with that. But its part of life and maybe it's my sign now to finally move on from that. It took a lot to get to that point but maybe just hearing those two small words could really make me move on. However I have to admit Honesty is good because you know their true feeling. I would have rather Heather told me she was a whore when I asked her and then I would have pushed myself, my aunt and my mom to get me home. I would have gone beyond just hearing them and pushing them to the limit. I would have done that but hearing the refreshing news of Heather saying I am not about sex, I will not have people over every day, I am honest, I will cook for us, I will do this, I will do that, and just bullshit me to get me to want to move in with her thinking it would be a smart choice. All Lies. I can't think of one thing I originally asked her that she didn't lie to me about. This little innocent person turned into what I hate about people. I talk to her for a little bit everyday but hide my true anger because she would be scared if I really gave her my two cents. Mike's right about honesty, if he tells me everything, I will accept it better then for him to not tell me and then I find out some day. Everyone should do that. Just be real and true, don't beat around the bush. Just say the true feeling and that way you can move on and accept it. Funny how tonight I acted like Amanda using me as a referral to get $500 was just something that angered me but it was all of the above too. I don't know why i let this topic bother me probably because I felt like I had a strong friendship with Amanda when things were going good at blockbuster. I mean to be real without her I probably would have never been promoted. Without her I would have never gotten this job at Bed, Bath, and beyond. So I guess I am a little disappointed that she would only want me for the bonus and not want me to work in her department with her. She didn't even ask for me to work with her. It's upsetting probably because of everything else and it wouldn't matter as much if the other things weren't there but honestly. I got a real feeling of compassion from Amanda when she and I worked together. She liked my dry sarcastic humor and she told me I put her in a good mood. I guess I can't help but feel a bit hurt when the honesty came out and the fact is she doesn't really care enough to want me to work for her. So needless to say I have a lot of things in my head right now. I have try to get them cleared by tomorrow night when I go to bed and have to wake up with a positive attitude the next day to start my first day of school and work. I actually got up today and was in a good mood. I dressed up nice and looked good, if I do say so myself but I guess not hearing anyone say you look good and then all these thoughts come across and everyone I ran into today had a bad day, from the person who gave me my new hire orientation who cried most of the orientation because she found out her sister is having an affair with her boss, to the waitress at on the border who was having a bad day because no one showed up for their shift, to heather being sexually harassed at work. Everyone seemed to be having a bad day, which really killed my mood. I really did wake up with some good feelings this morning. It’s just too bad it was too good to last. Well let me get going, I am going to go watch Greg the Bunny and see if I could get a few laughs before I go to bed. |
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| Jan. 27th, 2005 @ 08:53 pm Pretty Lousy Day today. | |||
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Current Mood:
I got up around 12:30, took a shower, went on the computer to see what downloaded overnight. I then went online to see how my auctions were doing. Ebay ended all my auctions, because some fucking guy filed a complaint against me. It's funny because the guy didn't like the product I sent him so he sent me this threatening email and I said to myself well fuck this. I will just send him his money back well I got the email Friday and had his refund to him by Sunday. Sadly I guess it didn't make his 48 hour deadline he sent me so he already contacted ebay. When he received the refund he said he would go away but then today all my auctions got canceled because that guy reported me to ebay. So now I can't sell my normal items on ebay. Weird thing is that I have been selling these items every since summer without any problem and of coarse now when I get the chance to get a job and make some extra pocket money some asshole has to come along and spoil it. So that really pissed me off today. I then decided to list on Yahoo which of coarse everyone knows sucks compared to ebay because barely anyone buys on there but I listed my items on there at a lower price so maybe someone will buy them. Other than that, I pretty much sat in the house all day. Heather thank the lord left for work at 2 so I didn't have to see her yet today. I just was online most of the day letting files download. I then went to Walmart earlier but they didn't have what I wanted so I went back home. Around 6pm I went to Carl's Jr for dinner. I got myself the western double bacon cheeseburger and a taco. I came home and watched 2 episodes of Arrested Development (Yes, I am addicted to it now and sadly I only have 4 episodes left before I am done with the entire box set) and then went to another Walmart to get some junk food, labels, and cdrs. I came back home now and decided to write this entry. I have to go to orientation on Saturday from 2pm to 5pm. I am not really looking forward to it because I am sure its really lame and you have to watch videos and fill out paper work so that's not fun. Other than that this weekend will be pretty boring to as I celebrate my final week of freedom before school and work start. It's going to really hit me next week because with 5-6 classes and then 30-35 hours of work. I will be feeling the pain. Not much in the way of Movies coming out this weekend, Will definitely go see Hide and Seek tomorrow afternoon before the stupid teen crowd hits the theater. I think the movie will be pretty good. I know it has average reviews but Saw had Average reviews too and it was really good!!! frustratedMore bad news, is I have to come up with $200 by the end of next week. I came up with $300 this week which most of which is for my car payment but how the hell am I going to come up with $200 for the rent when I can't sell on ebay anymore. I guess its time to start making some new products to sell but that will take a few days. I have to hope yahoo kicks in this week for me. To top it all off I have to go to the post office tomorrow and mail out 15-18 things. Not fun at all since that will be another $50+ I have to come up with. I guess this weekend the smart thing to do will be to look for shows to download and make into dvds. That's what I need to do but most shows are in midseason so I doubt I can get a full season anywhere but I will have to look. Well, let me get going, I have to dwell on what I can do to solve this problem. |
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| Jan. 27th, 2005 @ 03:44 pm I really want... | |||
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| I really want a Bowling for Soup T-shirt. Surprisingly their website actually has a shirt in 2XL which always amazes me because most bands don't like the 2xl guys and heaven forbid your even larger your screwed. Well, the shirt is $15.00 and I really want it but at the moment I don't have money for it but maybe when I get my paycheck from my new job. I just hope it doesn't sell out by then. http://store.bandwear.com/Merchant2/mer |
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| Jan. 27th, 2005 @ 03:07 pm What ever happened to Aqua? | |||
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I remember a few years ago about 1997 is when the band Aqua hit the Radio with that song Barbie Girl. Since then they made a follow-up album in 2000 which I never heard of or remembered about. However I remember that I had Aqua's original album but I let some bitch at school borrow it and she never gave me it back. I downloaded a few songs of theirs over the last few days and have an urge now to purchase both CDs which will cost me a whopping $8.00 for both however I just wonder what became of them. They definitely had a unique sound that's for sure. Ok well thats my random little tidbit for today   |
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| Jan. 25th, 2005 @ 04:51 pm Small Update | |||
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Current Mood:
Well neither Best Buy, Bed, Bath & Beyond or Blockbuster called me back yesterday. Yesterday was a pretty lazy day for me. I woke up around 1:30ish. Went to the bank to put the $30 I owe Jen in but only gave her $24.00 because the pricks at Washington Mutual wouldn't cash the money order or deposit it into her account so I had to use all the money I had left in my wallet. Well after that I talked to Sharron for a bit on the phone. I then came home and found a software finally that can make awesome dvds. Believe it or not it's nero. Go figure something I had on my computer all along has like these hidden features to make cool dvds with menus and stuff. So I finally put in good company on dvd to watch. I also made Drawn Together Season 1 on DVD which I can going to try to auction off on ebay. I don't get the show it's mildly retarded yet people seem to like it. GO FIGURE! goodWell after I was so happy that I found that, I started to watch Arrested Development again on DVD. I am about half way through the first season now. Fun show, some episodes are quite funny others aren't but the show seems to be quite addicting and I really am enjoying it. After 6 episodes I stopped it and went to Target to get some cd-rs for the few ebay orders that I have yet to do. I then called John to see if he got in to Bed, Bath and Beyond. He said he never got the official word about it but he was going to an orientation tomorrow. So I am pretty sure he is in. I then went to Jack in the box and got my normal order. I came back watched Arrested Development some more and then started to burn other things to dvd. Then Heather and her puppy dog Henry came in and wanted me to talk to them but I just didn't bother and continued to watch Arrested Development. After a while, I got tired of watching that show so I watched In Good Company again. The quality of the dvd I made was outstanding looked like a official release. So I watched it and enjoyed it pretty much just as much as I did the first time around. I was going to write a review for it but it was 2am so I said I better go to bed instead. I got up this morning around 10:30 becuase my mom called me and told me that the bank was low on money. I didn't bother calling her back but I got up and took a shower. I then called Bed, Bath, & Beyond and Best Buy. No answer at both. Around 12:30, right when I was going to leave for the stores, Heather woke up and decided she wanted to talk. I showed her the Electric bill which was $65. She freaked out. I felt like smacking her. I told her thats dirt cheap. I said if you want we can switch. You can pay $200 for the rent and $275 for my car and for food, and gas. I will switch then she got all quiet. Then she started bitching about henry and I just kind of got up and walked in the living room and put the tv on. A few minutes later Curt from Bed, Bath, & Beyond called me and said that if I am willing to accept he has a position for me which pays $9.50 an hour and I am going to get at least 30 hours a week. So that was the positive light today. I am now good again. I have a job, start school Monday, will have money again and ebay sales are starting to come in again. It's getting good. All i need now is to make a few friends and I shall be set. Thats about all to report right now. I think tonight or tomorrow I think I am going to celebrate by getting something decent to eat!!! |
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| Jan. 24th, 2005 @ 02:05 am Not Much to Report | |||
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| Nothing really to report this weekend. On Friday, I got interviewed at Bed, Bath, and Beyond. It went pretty good. I had to take a stealing test afterwards. I hope I did well on it. I basically said everything was a crime which I think was the correct answer. I then went over to Best Buy and talked to the lady who was in charge of pulling the applications. I told her I was very interested in working there and she said she would make sure she looked at my application. I am going to wait to hear back from both places on Monday. If neither call me back, I will either ride down their on Tuesday or call them back. Other than that this weekend was pretty boring. I pretty much sat in the house all weekend. I watched Racing Stripes on Friday at Century in Orange. It was ok, it could have been so much better if they had a better script. I watched Saw on DVD yesterday night. I was pissed I missed that one in the theater. I really dug it. I finally watched an Episode of my dvd box set of Arrested Development. Great Show which I have to start watching more often. I also finally seen National Treasure tonight which I wrote a review for which you can see here: http://www.livejournal.com/community/mo I also talked to Mike like all weekend. We talked so much. He called me on Saturday about 15 minutes after I got up. He told me the bad news about him and Dave. We talked about it for a bit and then moved on to less serious topics. We talked a lot on Saturday and talked quite a bit today also both online and on the phone. That pretty much sums up my weekend. Like I said nothing exciting. Minor crap happened with Heather and Henry like them making out on the living room floor when I came in and even ruder then last time didn't even stop. They just kept at it and I didn't get an appology or anything. I can't take them, when either one of them are in the apartment I want to leave because just being around either of them makes me sick. I also made a profile on my MovieManMenzel name on aol. I figured it was the cool thing to do so I did it. Thats about it. So I am going to go have some cookies and milk and watch an episode of Arrested Development or Strangers with Candy and hit the hay. Good Night everyone. |
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| Jan. 21st, 2005 @ 12:24 am Blah... | |||
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Current Mood:
That title can basically sum up how I am feeling. Today I woke up around 11:30am because the phone rang. It was SBC telling me that I owe them Money. I told them I didn't have a job and surprisingly really understood and said no problem we will call you back in a few weeks. I then got up and looked at my journal. I saw that Jen posted a comment and so did Mike. Neither one was very uplifting but they both stated fact, which is what I hate to admit. Jen admits she is better now with me not involved in her life. I can't say anything about that since she is obviously stating the truth because why would she lie to herself. The comment she left at times made me angry but then made me sad. I really don't know how badly I fucked everything up but I guess it's worse than I always thought. It's hard for me to say I am a good person because as much as I believe it looking back makes me seem like it's not true. Oh I don't know what to do anymore. blahCurrent Music: Aqua - Cartoon Heroes So after that, I got on the phone with the job places to see if I could get even more depressed. Oddly, enough I called the blockbuster where I talked to this girl Erin on Tuesday who by the way I used to work with a while back and who quite honestly I can't stand. But back to the story, I talked to her and she said she would get me hired on the spot. So I figured I call back today to accept the offer but guess what the manager Eric, another flake I know said he already had 6 shift leaders. I then called Sharron who works at the store and told me there are only 4 shift leaders and 2 are on their way out. So I was pissed that Eric lied to me so I just said fuck blockbuster. I called bed, bath and beyond and surprisingly I have a job interview tomorrow at noon. I then called Best Buy and they jerked me around some more taking down my number and again never calling back. I then figured I needed a back up so I called the district headquarters at Blockbuster and told them how much trouble I have been having with getting a hold of a district leader. Oddly enough the person was very helpful and even knew about my old shitty store manager Crystal Bass and she joked about how I couldn't take her anymore. It was amusing. So about 5 minutes after I got off the phone with her, Al the district leader called and told me to apply online. He also asked me if I liked Crystal and what my problem was with her. So I have to apply for that once I get done with this entry. So after all that, I went out and went to Best Buy to buy some dvd-rs for my last few ebay orders. I then went to El Pollo Loco and had a Fiesta Burrito. I came home and tried to burn some movies I downloaded to dvdrs however they didn’t work until I figured I had to convert them to dvd format or mpeg to play on my dvd player. So I found some software to do that. It took forever to find the right software but i did it. So around 7pm Heather came home and was wondering why I haven't been that chatty lately. I didn't feel like answering it because I am sure it would start an argument. Then she made some rude comments about how I always eat fast food and I asked her what should I eat? She said what ever is in the house? I said there isn't anything I eat. White Rice, Carrots, Alfalfa leaves, seaweed, nope none of that shit sounds remotely appetizing to me. I just went back into my room after that. I then went out to Jack in the Box and got my normal. Everyone what is my normal? A number 5 with double meat, with a sprite no ice and 2 tacos. I came back home ate and watched Pauly Shore Is Dead. One of the many Movies I downloaded. It was actually pretty amusing. The whole list of Cameos made the movie worth watching just for that alone. Cameos included Sean Penn, Andy Dick, Ben Stiller, Ellen, Vince Vaughn, Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, Snoop Dogg, and many others. It was fun watching Pauly Shore make fun of himself and knowing how bad his career really was. I also found it interesting that his mom owns the Comedy Stop on the Sunset Strip. The place right across from the Sunset 5 Independent Movie theater where Jen and I used to go when we came to California to see the indie flicks. Cool thing to know. Well during the movie, I decided to pause it and go get some popcorn. So I drove the whole 0.8 miles to Amc and got some popcorn. I then came back and watched the rest of the movie. I came online and am writing this entry. I wanted to watch Closer again tonight but I think I may have to save that till tomorrow. i really want to watch the film again because the first time I saw it in the theater I was like wow this film is really overrated. Oh Well let me get going. I still have to apply to blockbuster again and then figure out the nicest thing to wear that I have right now. I haven't done my laundry since Monday so I don't have any clothes left. But I will find something. |
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| Jan. 20th, 2005 @ 12:04 am Bored & Lazy not a good combination | |||
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Current Mood:
Well today was another pretty lazy day for me. No jobs called me back. Which basically leaves Blockbuster as my only option so I have to call them back tomorrow along with Bed, Bath, And Beyond and Best Buy one final time. I guess I will start work at Blockbuster on Monday if all goes well. Money situation is pretty tight. I had to go to the post office today and mail out most of the ebay orders I had for the past 2 weeks that cost me $68 which I didn't have so I wrote a check from my mom's account. I luckily had $68 to transfer to the account when I got home. Well other than that didn't do much today. I just sat here. I went out around 8pm to get dinner and I really wanted Burger King but I was too lazy to drive to it so I had Carls jr instead. Wasn't too good tonight-another sign that I should quit being a lazy bitch and drive the extra mile and a half to get Burger King! But whatever, so I came home and watched Shattered Glass, which I haven't watched in about a year now. It was just as good as I remembered it. It kept me glued to the couch. I then came online and was disappointed I didn't have a comment in my journal since Jen said she was going to write more. But anyway then I decided for the next few hours to search online and see if I could find a code to unlock my Sony phone so I can sell it on ebay for some extra money. I unlocked my old nokia phone, which I use now because I hate the Sony phone they gave me. A few minutes ago Heather walked in and I asked how was class she just said she was tired and went to bed. No interest in talking to me but hey that’s fine. So I am here now writing this entry just for the hell of it because I have nothing better to do. I probably will watch something in a few minutes.  boredCurrent Music: Higher and Higher from Wet Hot American Summer As sad as this sounds, I am looking forward to start working again because a. it gets me out of the house and B. I can go out more when I start working. I was going to see National Treasure tonight but the money is kind of tight so I figured I should wait till the weekend because there is just shit coming out anyway. Well anyway I mumbled enough for this sad excuse for an entry. Let me go. |
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| Jan. 19th, 2005 @ 11:42 pm the last entry I made | |||
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| I was hoping Jen would have said more than what she did. She commented and said she was going to write more but it didn't happen. *Sigh* I was hoping she would have really wrote more. |
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| Jan. 19th, 2005 @ 01:31 am Thinking Back | |||
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| You know I couldn't help but think back tonight about all the things I have been through over the years. I made the mistake of going through Jen's Journal and reading a lot of entries that really made me sad. It's funny because I really can't blame myself for what happened in our situation. I was reading back in Jen's journal about how she admitted that she had changed and took all her anger out on me. It's weird that Jen still does that no matter what. I also find it mildly heartbreaking that when Jen got back to Georgia all she did was bad mouth me. She said she was so angry but the last thing I remember was us having a great time at Disneyland but for some reason she believes she went home angry. You know lately I can't help think about how Dana and that loan ruined our relationship. It's really amazing when you think about it really good like I have over the last few days. Jen says I am evil because I put her in debt. Funny how when the tables turn I am the bad one. It was OK when I had the $1000's upon $1000's of dollars to spend on Jen that was OK. I just thought of a few things we did together that I paid the way or most of the way for. Here are a few things: Las Vegas Britney Concert -$800 1st Trip to California - $2000 2nd Trip to California -$1000 3rd Trip to California -$1,500 1st Trip to Las Vegas - $600 2nd Trip to Las Vegas -$400 Tickets to see the Producers -$500 Tickets to see the Graduate -$200 Tickets to see Britney Spears in Georgia -$500 Tickets to see The Kids in the Hall -$200 Tickets to See Britney Spears in NJ -$200 Tickets to Matchbox 20 -$200 Tickets to see Weird Al In California -$150 Tickets to the Hilary Duff Concert -$100 Prom Weekend -$800 Plane Fares to Georgia -$2000+ Disneyland Pass -$220 Trip to Visit me for Thanksgiving 2003 -$500 You add that all up and that is $11,870. Yes, that much! Funny how I never blamed her saying damn you we shouldn't went to see Britney or Damn you I should have never came down to see you. You want to know what else is really sad that's all I can remember on the level of special events we did. I know we did more like an Everclear Concert, Warped Tour, etc., plus you add up all the times I went down to Georgia and how I paid most of the way. We averaged about $500 a week and some times I would be down there for months at a time. Each summer was probably $2000 I spent. I wish I could look up all the money I spent over the past 6 1/2 years involving Jen. She gets so mad because I needed help and needed a $5000 loan. Granted I didn't pay her back after the first few months but still you think about all the money I spent on her. It really makes me sick how much money I spent while we were together and the fact now that she has bad mouthed me when it was her turn to help out. See the problem is that the money she gave me is something that had to be paid on so it counts more in Jen's book but the $10,000 to $40,000 I spent on her between going out to dinners, movies, concerts, vacations, gifts, etc. It was all fine and dandy while It lasted. But when something bad happened like when I needed money for once Jen came to the rescue but now I will be living with that burden for the rest of my life. Her parents said to us how the hell do you eat out every night? I remember them saying that. Me...I paid for it. Every damn night. It wasn't burger king either. It was Ruby Tuesday, Fridays, Rib places, and other places that cost a decent amount sure we ate fast food too but we ate out at a lot of decent places too. What hurts me the most about all this though, is the fact Jen never thinks back upon this stuff. Never thinks about the thousands upon thousands of dollars I spent over the summer and any chance we could see each other. I get no credit for all the money I spent. Jen spends money it's a big fucking deal. Amazing. She would yell lately when I bought something but before when I spent $400 each holiday to get a gift it was fine and dandy. When we went to the mall and I just bought her anything she wanted. No problem. But when the money train stopped and Jen had to fuel it she didn't want to stay on. He is a bad guy. He put me in debt. If there was a way we could order our bank statements and credit card statements and all my paypal funds for the past 6 years boy the number would outrageous. I mean seriously in the 35k and up mark. I am not lying. Just think about it. Jen makes me out to be the anti-christ to all her friends but of coarse her and all her friends forget all that I have done for her. Not even in the sense of money, when she hated her parents and I rescued her. She never gives me any thanks. This is a girl who literally admitted In a three week period I have caused Scott to cry at least 10 times and I've also made him start cutting himself (like he used to when we first met) because I'm so mean when I become Jennifer that I get him so upset and stressed out that he feels he needs to end his life. This scares me so much because I don't know how much longer he will last with me acting the way I have. But did her friends here this side of the story no? Why would they it would make Jen out to be such a bad guy? You know what really gets me the most of out all she has done to me including How many times she has made me feel like crap, made me want to die, made me feel like the scum of the earth, allowed me to spend money without a worry until the gravy train ran dry, all this stuff. I dealt with for 6 1/2 years for what? To end? I wasted so much time, effort, money, and emotion in this relationship. You know what I am left with now sorrow, grief, and this feeling of shit because all she did was tell her family and friends how horrible I was. All Jen can remember is the $$$$ and that's it. She makes me out to be bad but does she ever think of all I did for her. Does she do this? Did she ever stick up for me? No, never! When Jason talked shit about me nothing was said. Celia said stuff about me nothing was said. Her Mom and Dad said stuff nothing was said. Jen states my Mom doesn't like her which I am not going to argue with but you know what I fought for her with my Mom. I told my Mom no listen she is a good person. I *gasp* Love Her and I am going to spend my life with her. What did this turn out to be? Make me become a fool. A fool who no matter how badly Jen treated me I was still in Love with her. Even till this day. Just yesterday when she posted the comment. I wanted to end my life because of it. Maybe I am still in Love with her. I am probably still looking for that girl who I met 6 1/2 years ago. The one who appeared every once in a while like in Thanksgiving of 2003. Or the weekend she spend with me in Jan of 2004. Where did she go this girl I loved? The girl who cared how I felt. The girl who although never spoke up for me never said I was a bad person. The girl who looked beyond the money to the person. Where did she go? Will she ever come back? I am probably really dumb and lame to take all this stuff that we have went through but God damn do I miss her. I really do. I loved her so much but now it all seems like it doesn't matter. The Whole 6 1/2 years was a waste. Eternal Sunshine is such an honest movie. I think Jen really needs to have that experiment happen to her to realize how much she is missing because I remember what I am missing. I do and it makes it even harder to get out of bed everyday knowing that it's not there anymore. I remember hearing Jen say this one quote almost every time we fought but this year it was rarely said this quote was this: I really do love You and I always will no matter what happens between us. God I miss that person. Where is she? |
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| Jan. 17th, 2005 @ 04:03 pm De-Claw | |||
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| I picked up my cat Whiskers from the vet today. I feel bad getting him de-clawed now. I should have spent more time training him not to scratch. He seems so depressed now and can barely walk. I looked up de-clawing online and all I found out was bad things. I feel bad. Why can't I ever do anything right. |
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| Jan. 17th, 2005 @ 12:27 am Response to Jen's Comment on the Previous Entry | |||
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| First Jen's Comment: Scott, If you want to cut all ties with me that is fine just make sure you have the $8000 you owe me for that loan. Until I get all this money back, we will still talk and just so there is not discrepancies with how much you owe, the loan was for $5000 but with the high interest rate we got I currently owe $8300 on it. So once you have this amount paid off then we won't have to speak to each other. Also, the reason we get into arguments as you like to call them are because you want to know every detail of my life. Yes, I have been dating but what I do and who I am dating isn't really any of your business anymore. You never call me and the only time we talk is if I IM you online. Your the one that brought up the rape situation tonight. You probably do need to get help about that because if you don't you will never have sex, not to say that sex is a really big thing but it's an important aspect when in a relationship. I also really wish that when we attempted to have sex you would have just told me that the rape was the reason you couldn't instead of me thinking there was just something wrong with you like you were impotent or something along those lines. It would have been a lot easier to deal with that then thinking that you just weren't attracted to me or that you had problems with getting erections which I knew you didn't. Also, I did you a favor by paying for Whiskers to be de-clawed since you decided to keep him after I found out I couldn't take him. If I do find an apartment for me to live in that I can afford then I may take him back but for right now he will live with you. Thanks again for the comment of only staying with me that long for the fact that you were lonely. That makes our whole relationship seem even better. I stayed with you because I loved you not because I was lonely. I mean we didn't live in the same state out of the 6 1/2 years except for 7 months so I don't get how you were only with me because you were lonely? Please respond to my comment. ~<3 Jen <3~ My Response: First off, I think you owe me an apology for saying that I owed you $10,000 which I never did. Plus I told you it was $5,000 all along however all $5,000 didn't go to me. I know that because I can't even begin to think what I would do with $5,000. Funny, How you say that we get into arguments because I want to know every detail of your life. That's really funny since I told you today that I was going to remove you from my live journal friends list so you couldn't read my journal and what did you say? Why? It's interesting how you say I want to know every detail which is true but you do the same thing or you wouldn't be reading my journal now would you? About Sex, Yes I need to get help and I have come to realize that. Sex is part of any relationship since it will come up sooner or later but you making me feel like shit about it probably didn't help. I know I need help about sex because it's a topic that makes me very uncomfortable. Jen after a while I was afraid to talk to you or say anything. Your a very scary person because you get so mad over things and you would start yelling at me for everything you could. I didn't think about talking about the rape then but I admit I probably should. I also think its because of the way we treated each other at that point. I don't think we loved each other like we used too. About Whiskers, You wanted a cat and I got him for you. You left him with me when you left because you couldn't keep him. The right thing for you to do was to de-claw him because you left me with an extra burden to worry about. Granted I like the cat now but still it's an added responsibility which I didn't really want or need at that point. Like I said to you if you want to take whiskers with you then fine it's cool, if not he's going to stay with me. I got adjusted to him and I like him now. He helps me when I feel depressed. Jen just think about the way you treated me. You yelled at me about everything about a dish in the sink, about a fork on the counter, me being on the computer, me having to work, and lots of other things. You worked did I complain, you watched tons of TV but got mad because I didn't watch it with you. You know I hated TV, you knew that, I watch movies and that's about it. You treated me like utter crap ever since Dana and I started to talk. It was like you never could make it past that point no matter how many times I said I was sorry and I fucked up. You never let it go. Never. When that happened this relationship never recovered. You may say you loved me. I loved you too but not as much love as we should have had. For the first 3 years that was true LOVE but once the Dana thing happened it was dysfunctional love. Like I said I was afraid of being lonely and I think you were too although you don't want to admit it. I think that's why your so happy and cocky now because you have the sense of accomplishment since you found dates and you always had it in the back of your head that I was trying to make you fat and keep you with me but I wasn't. Deep down you were trying to push me away. You wanted to prove me wrong which I never doubted you of finding another boyfriend or a date. You just always thought I was thinking that. I never said that. You however just try so hard to make anything work that your probably changing yourself just to be dating people which is fine but its just going to make you sad later down the line. I am dealing with a lot right now. I didn't have a problem talking with you if you would be positive anymore instead of always pushing my buttons. You have a ton of anger towards me still and I don't know what I can do about it. It's obvious this friendship means nothing more to you than the money involved because the old Jen would never say something like you said in the above comment. This sentence: If you want to cut all ties with me that is fine just make sure you have the $8000 you owe me for that loan. You would not have said that 3 years ago. Like I said your probably having the time of your life bad mouthing me back there which is fine but you have to remember about the first 3 1/2 years and how good I treated you. You seem to forget that and only concentrate on how I owe you money. Think about it Jen, is it really the money or is it something else that bothers you about me. I think its something else because lets be honest your not suffering paying back that money. It's not stopping you from living. I think your mad at me for something and you still haven't got rid of that demon but hey only you can solve that one and I can't do anything. You changed so much over the past 2 years and you got tired of me and I can't blame you for that. I am a boring person, I will admit that but if that money thing and the Dana thing never happened what do you think this relationship would be like today? Do you think we would be still together? Do you think we would have argued as much as we did? I just wonder because as much as you don't want to think about it, I just wonder the answer. You will always remember me because your room is filled of all the stuff I got you, most of your clothes I got you, all of our first experiences we shared together from kissing onto fooling around, we had that together and you can't forget it ever. It's hard for me to cut ties with anyone because that's one less person I have and you and me both know I don't have many people in my life I can count on. You don't care anymore about losing me because you changed and your happy now. You have friends back there, you have these dates you go on. You have people around you so now you just say who cares when it comes to me. Your right who does care? Not to many people. I could answer that for you. People like the benefits of knowing me and then toss me aside. Heather needed a place to live so cool I will lie to Scott to get him to want to stay. All the people at Blockbuster needed someone to stand up for them, I did it and now no one bothers to contact me. This is the story of my life. Everyone comes and goes no one stays to help me find myself. No one cares how I really feel and tries to accept me. All I keep hearing about is change. Yes, I changed just like you have changed but I refuse to change to fit in. I think this comment got really deep and I am sure you won't want to dig that deep to answer the questions I pose but I do want you to try. Scott |
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| Jan. 17th, 2005 @ 12:22 am Why I like the movies so much | |||
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| You know I was thinking tonight of why I enjoy going to the movies so much. It allows me to escape from the depressing reality that is life. I sit in a theater for 1hr and a half to 3hrs just eating my popcorn, drinking my cherry icee and glaring my eyes and brain onto the movie screen. I escape the reality of the world. How much something is bothering me or how much I don't like my living situation it all gets put on the backburner until the movie is over. Sadly that's what happens, the movie ends and I have to go out to the world again and face reality. I think when I die, I want to die in a movie theater that way I can still be away from reality because it's so much better being lost in a movie then being lost in reality. |
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| Jan. 15th, 2005 @ 07:27 pm Why Do I wake up anymore? | |||
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| I hate life. Why am I always being punished in this life. The way I think is different from everyone else's, the way I look, the things I like and so many other things. It's like really getting to me. The fact that I can't ever live in a situation where I can enjoy living is just hurtful. I mean I hate being here. It's like I want to just get a plane ticket and go back east tomorrow. I want to just jump on a plane and go home. I also think I should do what Mike said and cut all ties from Jen. I mean I have really stopped talking to her over the past few weeks and since I been dealing with so much shit in my life as it is, I can't help to say that it is a good thing since Jen always seems to start up arguments about one thing or another. She knows what pushes my buttons and she knows how to make me feel like the crap like the rape comment about how I am gay and how she always continues to tell me how she goes on these dates and I think to myself what the hell is wrong with me if she could get dates with her controlling and mean personality. It's amazing how when you just sit and think about things how depressing things really are. Here I am out on the West coast, living in a horrible situation, having no friends, no job, a little bit of money, and all these thoughts running through my head about how dumb I was for staying. I can't help but think about how hard it will be for me to find someone I can relate to again. I mean with Heather turning into the complete opposite of what she told me she was. I don't really have anyone to share my thoughts with and someone to agree with me. I hate being the only one who thinks the way I do because it's so easy for everyone to just say that's not how society works well that's true but I'm not going to sink to that level in order to find a match. I am just thinking about how I stayed with Jen so long and through all that punishment just because I didn't want to be alone and now that I am alone and everyone else is so happy and involved, I feel like utter crap and seeing and hearing about things I don't approve of only makes it worse but then again like Mike's new motto is tell me directly so I don't assume, really does work. It's better then the Heather route of putting on a mask and then as time goes on the truth comes out. You know what's really bad and I mean this sincerely. I don't want a pity party as Jen calls it. I literally feel again like there is no point to my existence. I have had my suicidal thoughts again over the past week. Some of which I haven't even had in about 7 years. It's getting bad the depression with all the problems I face. As our society just gets worse as each day goes on, hearing about 12 year olds having sex, and the people my age just doing nothing more for fun then having sex and drinking themselves to death. It's very depressing when you have the time to think about it or at least if you think the way I do which seems to be a real rarity. This girl Jessica says you will find the right one or someone you connect with who sees the world as you do but my question is when. I don't know if I would be able to make it for a couple of years without having more than one close personal friend like Mike and not being in a relationship. I really don't. My problem is that this problem will not leave whether I go to Rowan or stay here however the Rowan situation would definitely be better because of less money needed and I would have Mike however there will still be problems to deal with. Like Mike says I probably have to go see a Psychologist when I get back but still finding a new someone special in my life will be a really hard task. I am a hard person to please when it comes to my beliefs and if you lie to me after a few times I find out you are like the scum of the earth. I have like almost no interest in Heather anymore after what happened. Last night she started to talk to me and I just walked out of the room. Its like I don't want to get out of bed anymore. I woke up today at 3pm. I slept 12 hours and when I seen the time, I still wanted to roll back over and go to bed. What's my point to getting out of bed anymore? When someone asks me my opinion and it never matters? When you talk to someone and they don't listen. When you think differently then almost all of society. When you can see there is more to life then Booze and Sex. When you wake up everyday with no one to really talk to, and no where to go, no one special in your life. Just to get up and look out the window at a country of people who just follow one trend till the next from drinking, sex, piercings, tattoos, clubbing, diets, and everything else. Living in a world where you can almost predict what's going to happen next where everyone just follows a path to continue to act more immoral but society just keeps accepting it. I find it so funny that still we can't accept Gays & Lesbians but we can accept the fact that we are all becoming alcoholics, watching shows on TV that just disintegrate all morals of this country like Wife Swap which is what the slaves used to do with there wives, how sex is the main topic on everyone's mind 24/7 and a war for oil is going on and people keep dying everyday for no fucking reason but sadly all this stuff is all right. I think this is why I would rather never get up anymore. I would rather just not deal with the problems anymore for it would just be easier to stay in bed and sleep. It's Life. I know that but without having someone else who sees the world as I do well What's the point of living this life if I don't agree with what's going on in it. |
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